Something fun for Friday night, let’s get the best offensive jokes going. I’ll start with a few.
my chief once told us that if you look too long a a Filipino girl she’ll get pregnant and demand a green card
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What do you call a Black guy surrounded by twelve White guys?
The Defendant.
What do you call a White guy surrounded by ten Black guys?
The Quarterback.
Why do black men cry during sex?
The pepper spray.
"I will kill a million Jews and a clown!"
"Wait, why the clown?"
"See? No one cares about Jews."
How many Jews can fit in a Volkswagen beetle? Two in the front, two in the back, coupla dozen in the ash tray...
(First told to me by a rabbi.)
Why are aspirin white?
... You want them to work, don't you?
One I saw recently:
What separates man from animals?
The Mediterranean
I don't have many race based jokes other than reality, I have mostly this:
What's the best part of a blowjob?
The 10 minutes of peace and quiet.
So an alien is flying over the Grand Banks, and he spies a Newfie in his dory, paddling along and singing "I'se the b'ye that builds the boat, & I'se the b'ye that sails 'er" (see: the version by Great Big Sea for context).
Being a scientist, the alien decides to destroy one quarter of the Newfie's brain to see what might happen. So he takes his ray gun, and zap he painlessly removes a quarter of the Newfie's brain.
The Newfie still rows his dory, singing "I'se the b'ye" ...
"OK", thinks the alien, "That's fine. Now let's see how he gets on with only half a brain." zap Another quarter of the Newfie's brain is gone.
And still the Newfie rows along in his dory, singing "I'se the B'ye" ..
The alien is a bit consternated now, and decides, "Surely its behaviour must change if I destroy yet another quarter of this creature's brain!" zap! The Newfie is now down to one quarter of his brain ..
And still the Newfie rows his dory, singing "I'se the B'ye" ...
"Alright, that's it. I'm destroying the last of this critter's brain, that'll show it!" ZAP!
And sure enough, the Newfie is still rowing his dory ..
Only now he's singing "Frere Jacques, Frere Jacques, dormer vous .."
This is the most canadian thing I've ever read.
So a Newfie is in Toronto, and he's down on his luck. He decides to panhandle outside the Royal York hotel, where all the rich bastards stay.
He approaches an American getting out of his limo, and begs him for some change, saying how his wife will leave him if he doesn't make something of himself.
The American replies: "You're from Newfoundland aren't you? I recognize the accent, my wife and I vacation there every summer. Tell you what: Answer me these questions three, and I'll make you a millionaire."
"OK," says the Newf. "What are they?"
"1. How many days start with "T"? 2. How many seconds in a year? 3. How many "Ds" in 'Rudolf, the Red-Nosed Reindeer'?"
The Newfie is stunned. "Oh, b'ye, I don't want to get any of these wrong, can I have some time to think these questions over?"
The American agrees. "We'll meet here at noon tomorrow".
So the Newfie shows up promptly at noon the next day with a big grin on his face. The American asks if he has the answers,
"Sure do!" says the Newf.
"So, first question. How many days start with "T"?
"Oh, that's an easy one. Today and tomorrow."
The American laughs. "Not the answer I was looking for, but I'll allow it. Second question: How many seconds in a year?"
The Newfie laughs. "Oh, this one was easy, too. 12."
The American is stunned. "How do you figure that?"
"Well, there's the second of January, the second of February, the second of March ..."
The American laughs harder. "OK, ok, you've got me there. Now. How many D's in Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer?"
"Oooh, b'ye, that one was the toughie. I had to take my shoes off for that one ..."
"So, what's the answer?"
"115".
Again, the American is stunned. "How did you get that?"
"Dee dee, dee dee dee dee dee" (counting on fingers and singing)
The Newfie became a millionaire that day.
I have a Newfie (socialist, feminist, atheist) cousin-in-law, and this made me laugh much, much harder than it should have. Thank you.
How do you confuse a Newfie?
Put two shovels in the corner, and tell him to take his pick.
The Quebecois are worse than the Newfies, it's true.
Canada must seceed from Québec.
Why does a bride smile as she walks down the aisle? She knows she has given her last blowjob.
A lady told me she didn’t believe in casual sex, so I told her I’d wear a tie
A jew wins the lottery. He gets home and his wife has questions about how things will be different, now that they are millionaires.
She asks, "What should I do with all these letters begging for money?"
He replies, "Keep sending them out!"
What do you call a gay guy on skating by?
Rol-aids.
I just thought of another one:
Q: Why is there cotton in pill bottles?
A: To remind the blacks that they were cotton pickers before they were drug dealers.
Sorry I keep posting, but I'm on a roll here. They don't call me the king of dirty jokes for nothing.
Q: How was copper wire invented?
A: 2 Jews fighting over a penny.
Two Irishmen are walking down a road when one of them sees a mirror.
"I'm sure I recognise him from somewhere," he said, looking at his own reflection.
The other Irishman pushes him out of the way, looks in the mirror and says, "you fekking retard, it's me!"
Q: What's the biggest cause of pedophilia in this country? A: Sexy kids.
Actual English Subtitles used in Films made in Hong Kong. A few examples:
I read some of those lines in a Bathroom Reader years ago.
"Quiet or I'll blow your throat up."
I always try to use this as a shut-up line, and I always fail to keep a straight face in doing so.
"If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids"
This is more for the Britbongs,
What does Diana stand for?
Died in a nasty accident.
'Murica version.
What does NASA stand for?
Need another seven astronauts.
Oh I got one!
Who is most responsible for the current state of our society?
The Jews.
How do you circumcise a Jewish baby?
You kick his Rabbi in the Jaw!
Why is the American cinema like living in East Germany?
The People's Constable of East Germany woke up and opened the window and greeted the sun.
It greeted him back with a smile
Later that day the constable returns home from work and bids the sun goodnight
The sun does not respond.
The constable tries a few times more, and starts demanding to know why the sun doesn't respond at sundown
"Kiss my ass, I'm in the west now."
A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street, and see a young schoolboy. The priest looks to the rabbi and whispers, "do you want to screw him?"
The rabbi looks back and says, "out of what?"
What's the best thing about fucking twenty three year olds?
There's twenty of them!
Q: What's the difference between a pizza and a Jew?
A: A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.
Here's another:
A girl asks her dad for mall money, and he tells her that she has to suck his dick for it. She's grossed out but agrees to it. She puts it in her mouth, but quickly spits it out and tells him that it tastes like shit. He tells her that her brother wanted to borrow the car.
^An old classic I heard back in school all the time.
Aww, crap, I posted that one, not having seen this one yet. Funnily enough, though, most of the Jewish jokes I know, I first heard from a rabbi.
I heard a couple from a jew also, a lot are very much fine with making jokes about themselves weirdly enough.
How about if its offensive to people here?
Cant find it now, but it was a meme that said "When you come home drunk trying to rape your wife but can only find your daughter" and it was Bear Grylls doing the "Improvise. Adapt. Overcome" quote
good thread!
What do you call a lawyer with a low IQ? Your honor
What is the difference between batman and blackman.
Batman can go to the store without Robin.
I'm English so this is country spesfic.
Why did the Romans build straight roads.
To stop the pakis from building corner shops.
I don't tell racist jokes. ...
Unless they're funny.
I don't always tell funny jokes.
But when I do... they're racist.
How do you send a Hindu into space.
Press the red button.
Priest and a rabbi staring at a young boy.
Priest: Man, wouldn’t you love to screw that...
Rabbi: Out of what?
My friend used to carry a bat that he called his nigger beater. I dunno if that's a joke, but I thought it was funny.