Something fun for Friday night, let’s get the best offensive jokes going. I’ll start with a few.
my chief once told us that if you look too long a a Filipino girl she’ll get pregnant and demand a green card
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So an alien is flying over the Grand Banks, and he spies a Newfie in his dory, paddling along and singing "I'se the b'ye that builds the boat, & I'se the b'ye that sails 'er" (see: the version by Great Big Sea for context).
Being a scientist, the alien decides to destroy one quarter of the Newfie's brain to see what might happen. So he takes his ray gun, and zap he painlessly removes a quarter of the Newfie's brain.
The Newfie still rows his dory, singing "I'se the b'ye" ...
"OK", thinks the alien, "That's fine. Now let's see how he gets on with only half a brain." zap Another quarter of the Newfie's brain is gone.
And still the Newfie rows along in his dory, singing "I'se the B'ye" ..
The alien is a bit consternated now, and decides, "Surely its behaviour must change if I destroy yet another quarter of this creature's brain!" zap! The Newfie is now down to one quarter of his brain ..
And still the Newfie rows his dory, singing "I'se the B'ye" ...
"Alright, that's it. I'm destroying the last of this critter's brain, that'll show it!" ZAP!
And sure enough, the Newfie is still rowing his dory ..
Only now he's singing "Frere Jacques, Frere Jacques, dormer vous .."
This is the most canadian thing I've ever read.
So a Newfie is in Toronto, and he's down on his luck. He decides to panhandle outside the Royal York hotel, where all the rich bastards stay.
He approaches an American getting out of his limo, and begs him for some change, saying how his wife will leave him if he doesn't make something of himself.
The American replies: "You're from Newfoundland aren't you? I recognize the accent, my wife and I vacation there every summer. Tell you what: Answer me these questions three, and I'll make you a millionaire."
"OK," says the Newf. "What are they?"
"1. How many days start with "T"? 2. How many seconds in a year? 3. How many "Ds" in 'Rudolf, the Red-Nosed Reindeer'?"
The Newfie is stunned. "Oh, b'ye, I don't want to get any of these wrong, can I have some time to think these questions over?"
The American agrees. "We'll meet here at noon tomorrow".
So the Newfie shows up promptly at noon the next day with a big grin on his face. The American asks if he has the answers,
"Sure do!" says the Newf.
"So, first question. How many days start with "T"?
"Oh, that's an easy one. Today and tomorrow."
The American laughs. "Not the answer I was looking for, but I'll allow it. Second question: How many seconds in a year?"
The Newfie laughs. "Oh, this one was easy, too. 12."
The American is stunned. "How do you figure that?"
"Well, there's the second of January, the second of February, the second of March ..."
The American laughs harder. "OK, ok, you've got me there. Now. How many D's in Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer?"
"Oooh, b'ye, that one was the toughie. I had to take my shoes off for that one ..."
"So, what's the answer?"
"115".
Again, the American is stunned. "How did you get that?"
"Dee dee, dee dee dee dee dee" (counting on fingers and singing)
The Newfie became a millionaire that day.
I have a Newfie (socialist, feminist, atheist) cousin-in-law, and this made me laugh much, much harder than it should have. Thank you.
How do you confuse a Newfie?
Put two shovels in the corner, and tell him to take his pick.
The Quebecois are worse than the Newfies, it's true.
Canada must seceed from Québec.