I really like this girl so I want to help her. In the beginning our relationship was pretty good but I saw signs of some social skills problems. I thought she was just a little socially immature but I chalked that up to other reasons and felt maybe she could improve.
As she got more comfortable with me she actually got significantly worse. I thought she just was naturally not liking me and we weren't compatible but I soon realized she literally hit nearly all the symptoms of autism and not a little, to the max. I would bet my life on her being autistic so I'm not looking for anyone to cast doubt on my diagnosis. She's just good at hiding it as best she can and frankly, I had no prior experience with autism so I wasn't really trained to catch the signs. I don't think her parents are aware either (for various reasons) and she can't keep friends long enough for them to truly understand. I might be the only one with enough perspective to diagnose it. I asked her if she would be willing to go to a psychologist to help with her anxiety issues but she refused because she's scared of them.
Any advice on how to bring this up to her? I'm thinking maybe just tell the mom but I'm not sure the mom will believe me or do anything about it. The dad would be worse.
I was about to just call it quits on our relationship because it's def not working but I do think if she accepts she has autism and works with me it could potentially work. She's given 0 indication she thinks she has autism and she works in social work with disabled people and had training on autism so I suspect she's potentially in denial or scared of accepting it.
Looking for some advice.
Of all the potentially autistic women I know of, literally none of them have been resistant to self-diagnosing. They fricking love taking those dubious little "are you autistic?" questionnaires at least. There's also a whole genre of women who like to describe how autism in women presents differently and when they find those they've all been relieved to finally see themselves described more accurately than the diagnostics for male autists. Unfortunately they're also skew very heavily towards a delusional "women affected most" mindset, so it's also very likely to ruin a perfectly good woman with man hating if you stay hands off, because autists are also stupidly impressionable when they finally feel seen, especially the female ones.
Also, living with an autistic person is a different experience, be prepared for a lot of weird demands about food and complaints about regular moving around the house noises, if you ever reach that point.
I will also say, if you're thinking very long term, autistic women are not great mothers. The sensory sensitivity makes them terrible at handling the chaos of kids having fun, and since kids learn a lot of social skills be mimesis, you'll have to work extra hard to counteract them copying all the social faux pas and lack of eye contact from the mom. And they just don't seem to connect as well with the kids, probably the lack of eye contact again and not being able to read their body language when their communication skills are still developing. So they will probably let you down and not pull their weight in that aspect of life.
There you go.
Lol, well yes, that too. Just keeping things specific for the autists out there. 😜
Well, she also has epilepsy and I think being sick has always been a problem for her. She's always wanted to be normal I guess. Maybe she's in denial because she doesn't want to admit she's got another problem? This girl is super "strong independent woman* type who'd never play the victim. She likes to do everything herself without any help and she thinks she's right about everything so I think in her mind she's probably thinking it's everyone else who's wrong whenever there's a relationship issue.
The problem is she has destroyed pretty much all her relationships because of her autism because of the fact she always thinks she's right and she seems to lack introspection as to perhaps she's the problem.
Yet, she will complain how she has no friends, can't make any friends and the friends she does make all ditch rather quickly. In the time I've dated her, she's already lost her 3 closest friends she had at the time who were new to begin with then made some new friends and lost those within a couple months. She also got fired at her job.
She says she doesn't want kids because of the epilepsy. Interesting to know about the sensory stuff. We probably won't be having kids so no issues there.
I'd be fine with her negatives if her positives come out enough. Our biggest issue right now is communication and memory. I've always had a pretty bad memory and especially of small things. She'll tell me something and I might not remember it exactly but if I ask her to confirm it again, she'll get mad because in her mind that means I don't care about her but some of the stuff she's expecting me to remember is pretty unreasonable and ultimately shouldn't be a big deal. There's also times we'll both completely misinterpret what either of us meant and she'll get mad. She sometimes doesn't build up proper context and is too blunt so I don't pickup what she meant right away (I'm also bad with this normally anyhow). I'm a very sarcastic person with very subtle jokes. I didn't realize why this was such a problem until now.
There's more issues. We're been dating over a year and normally I can bear with most issues but she's gotten worse over the last few weeks and I've had to step back a bit. I feel like if she accepted being autistic and put effort in to work with me on things, it could work though.
There's a point in her favor, there won't be a circle of unmarried hens encouraging her to cheat.
Ok for starters, good news, it's likely not autism actually. Epilepsy can create a pragmatic disorder that resembles autism in many ways and is often confused for it, but it isn't autism. It can cause a sort of pseudo-autism that doesn't have one clear label (yet) but if you look up 'epilepsy+induced+pragmatic+disorder+social+communication' or something you'll find what I mean. While on the surface they look very similar, the epileptics are far easier to work with usually, with better outcomes and more of a calmer general helplessness needing regular encouragement. Not about absolutely everything of course, they can believe they are right about stuff (with no insight) and be insistent sure, but there's a generally less confrontational style to them, as compared to a true autist. You also get better masked word-finding difficulties, more severe than the mild autist's, but remarkably well masked. And a range of other language and social/pragmatic issues too...
I'll stop there. Go see a professional in your area if she wants to. Could be either/or neither, or both, that's always possible. But given the other possibilities I'd just ease up on trying to give her that first diagnosis for now, particularly given how stigmatised it is, and given that you might be barking up the entirely wrong tree, there is this big other thing that epilepsy causes and is worth investigating for anyone with those concerns that people are often far more willing to consider and investigate. What you wanna do though, is make sure the speech pathologist is aware of that epilepsy-induced possibility, if she wants to work on her language and communication, rather than them barking up that autism tree too, which a new speech path or just one without much experience with epilepsy might do.
Might wanna be more careful in future with that.
Nah, that's fine. I just wanted to avoid turning the topic into 50 people arguing about what her true condition is unless someone truly knew. I mainly wanted to know the best steps to take to best get her some help in a way she'd be ok with. I'll look into the pragmatic disorder.
Edit - I looked into it and I don't think this is it. Autism still seems more likely than this. Of course, I'm not an expert and there are some things that have merit in this and others that don't. In any case she's got some form of brain damage likely tied at least in part to the epilepsy that's showing as autism causing negative impacts in her day-to-day life and isn't fully aware of it or its extent of the way it's impacting things in her life.
Well if that's what you want to try, then yeah maybe focus on the developing area of male/female differences in autism presentation and see if that resonates better with her.
But it feels important to give a bit of well traveled older guy advice. You can't fix her. We always think we can but it's just a pipe dream.
You can give her support to temporarily overcome the problems, but she won't be fixed. Her default state will always be what she is without your support, and the problems will arise again every time you stop holding her up, and you'll have to fix them again and again until you can't or won't anymore. If you're not determined for kids and forced to pick the least bad option, then I would not bother signing up for that thankless and endless task. Have some fun, recoup your debts, and move on until you can find one who can handle her own mental problems herself.
Autism or not, this right here is your problem. In my experience in relationships, if your woman doesn't humble herself and say, "I'll do whatever you want babe. Whatever you think is right.", then it's just going to go downhill over time. If she gets mad at you over not remembering something or a miscommunication, you need to make sure she understands that her expectations are unreasonable. Don't ever apologize for something that's not your fault. The communication problems that you brought up will probably be a lot easier to tolerate if you can just get her to admit that she's wrong or made a mistake.
Personally I'm skeptical that counseling in itself has real benefits, especially since autism has no known cure. Many psych professionals have a tendency to lean feminist too, so definitely do not let her talk to a therapist about relationship problems.
I think the definition and symptomology for autism has been expanded to an almost absurd level in the last decade or two.
And there's nothing even resembling a coherent and measurable definition or explanation of what's going on with the brain afaik.
Analysis is almost purely centered on observable behavior, with only a hodge podge of convoluted and inconsistent neural-physical evidence.
Not that I'm saying it doesn't exist. But I've seen time and time again people refer to just about every possible quirk or problem as autistic now. And I think it's pretty damned absurd.
Yep, pretty much every disorder that is diagnosed based on behavior suffers from the same problem. Except in severe cases, which are easily recognized in childhood, I think people would be better off if they just stopped trying to diagnose everything as a disorder.
Yeah, I'm well aware of this. I don't really think the relationship is going to work but I still care enough about her to want to help her if possible even if she can't be relationship material. The "being right about everything" is also a young person thing that tends to drop off a little with age as people start to realize it's bad for socializing and doesn't matter but an autistic person might never change in this way. Not sure.
My geriatric mother is still like this. She'll bring up shit I did as a teenager to "win" arguments.
If you think women will just age out of their solipsism, then you're going to have a bad time.
Autists do have a reputation for being very arrogant, but they don't have to be. She could change, but a meaningful change would probably require some emotional event, something that really slaps her in the face and makes her realize, "I need to change myself or else nobody will want to be around me."
If you ever want to have a family, and you should if you are White and healthy, you are wasting your precious time.
I'm confident I've already missed the opportunity for a family and that what I'd want from a woman to decide to have children with her is nearly impossible so I'm not too concerned about this.
Stop telling her to go to counseling and shit.
She asked me for help with her anxiety because it was getting worse despite her medication and I suggested she try counseling. She's not properly diagnosed for her issues, imo.
If you legit want to start a family with her you'll have to dispel her anxiety with your leadership. Autist or not. Meds are often counterproductive and actually cause long term problems from side effects and rebound effects. Especially if she's on some pharma crap like benzos or mood stabilizers.
If I'm with her she doesn't get anxious or if she does she's fine with it if I'm around. The problem is when I'm not around but she can handle the anxiety when I'm not around without me, she just obviously doesn't like it. It's not controlling her life though so it's workable.
I wouldn't say meds are straight up counterproductive so much as that they bring their own complications. Some of which bring a hell of a lot more complications than others.
And there's a lot of off-label anxiety medications besides the usual sorts that people often hear about. IE, there's a few antihistimine medications that aren't as prone to the usual side effects. And certain chemical formulations of magnesium can be pretty effective too (not exactly a medication, but the potency can be surprisingly comparable).
Was she actually asking for help or was she asking for emotional support?
Do remember that women aren't always bringing things up because they're expecting a man to "fix" the problem. And men sometimes have trouble telling the difference.
Not that offering some meaningful feedback is a bad thing. But it does sound like she's still trying to get a handle on how she deals with whatever's going on with her, and she mostly seems like she wants to handle it her own way. Which I totally understand.
She was receptive to the therapy and told me if I was the one conducting the therapy, she'd be fine doing it but she didn't feel comfortable telling a stranger her dark secrets kind of thing.
Someone I've been involved with is almost the opposite. Worried to open up about some things because she doesn't want me to think badly of her, or cause me to worry. And then I end up left in the dark on what's going on half the time.
Not that it's necessarily a good idea to become your gf/bf's therapist either. But honest, open communication, mutual compassion and support, etc. are pretty important for a healthy relationship.
Back to the therapist issue. I do wonder if it's something that she'd get used to if she got over her initial fear. Seeing a therapist is usually not the kind of thing that's prone to escalating anxiety.
Not when compared to something like your trip to Disneyworld. (Lots of things in that kind of location/environment can make anxiety increasingly difficult to alleviate, length of time, distance from anyplace that could offer a quiet respite)
Break up with her. Why would you complicate your life with this? I’ve never regretted breaking up with a girl, but I sure do regret staying in relationships longer than I should have. You WILL regret sticking around.
She'll probably be the last serious girlfriend I have so I figure since we managed for over a year despite her autism, if there was a way to potentially salvage it and make work, it'd be fine. I'm slightly on the spectrum myself but more legitimate social awkwardness rather than autism. She's the first gf I've had that lasted longer than a month in the last 10 years.
Man, believe in yourself. You can do better.
Did I mention she's also a 9/10 (not exaggerated)? There's a reason she's single though, yeah... But there's an opportunity here, perhaps... Lol.
I read the whole thread before commenting, but it was incredibly obvious from the very first post that your autistic girlfriend is very physically attractive and almost certainly way out of your league (in terms of looks). That’s the only reason a man ever puts up with this level of bullshit.
Anyways, don’t do that. Sure, plowing a super hot girl is awesome in the moment. But you will always be negotiating the rest of your relationship from a deficit. You will let her steal your peace and dictate your development, all in exchange for an asset that devalues rapidly after 30.
There are a lot of red flags here, but the biggest one is actually you compromising your preferences and comfort for a temporarily nice ass. Take away the sex and what do you really have?
It does suck, though. The ideal woman in 2025 is at least a little autistic. Yours just sounds too far down the spectrum.
Men take a -30 IQ debuff when they're horny, and OP is a prime example.
Well I’m not gonna lie that does change things haha
Not having that long term experience is probably the hard part, it'll probably take the first time living with one and sharing bills before you realize not having a girlfriend is way more preferable than having a bad one, especially if you're not after kids.
Relax, take your time, don't spend so much of your finite energy improving them when you could be improving yourself. Women will still date older men if they like what they see. They also are fine with a self-possessed man who breaks a few harmless social norms if he's doing what he does well. Wait till you find that not giving a fuck comfortableness with what you are and just aim to be the kind of guy teenage you could still look up to.
I’m not sure the point of making sure it’s labeled as such. Do you want her on some sort of meds? Otherwise there’s nothing more it could do but have her go around using “I’ve got the tism” as an excuse for things. My suggestion is to just work with her issues directly and individually.
Well, I feel awareness might help her work through it or accept it and "understand". She got really upset because we went to Disneyland and she got extremely anxious and had a meltdown. She didn't understand why and it was her lack of understanding why it had to happen there that really upset her.
It's totally a sensory overload autism thing but she doesn't know that. I feel if she understood this, it would help her.
Gift her a cheap set of noise canceling head phones and some anti-anxiety glasses that reduce peripheral vision overload and help focus directly ahead.
Just tell her the two combined should help her "anxiety". If she refuses to try the combo though, leave and let her be someone else's problem.
I'm very much like this as well. Albeit a lot worse when I was younger. I've learned to deal with it. It just takes some time and some other methods. Take a break from people occasionally and find a quiet spot. Airport? I hang out at the empty gate away from everywhere and walk to the gate right around boarding. Some place like Disneyland? I'd probably look for a sit down restaurant I could go to and get a bit and take a breather. At a certain point it gets built into your life, I naturally gravitate to places like that on my own.
Like others said, don't try to fix her. Accept her as is or leave. In my life it took me getting away from people that always wanted to solve me to be happy, and guess what a lot of the other things came after. "I'm going to break you out of your shell" people just irritated me.
some of the most sage dating advice: "you can't fix her"
take her behavior at face value and ask yourself if this is someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. if the answer is no, break it off. if the answer is yes, you've made your suggestions and it's her choice to act on them or not, so make peace with whatever she decides.
“I had no prior experience with autism so I wasn't really trained to catch the signs... I might be the only one with enough perspective to diagnose it.”
Yet somehow you know she’s autistic and you’re “not looking for anyone to cast doubt on my diagnosis?”
Honestly, you should probably just leave her alone.
"I'm slightly on the spectrum myself"
If only she would admit she has autism, get therapy, and not be anxious then he'd learn about her interests. The only thing we can really be sure of is that at least one person of the two has autism.
There's no realistic treatment for autism anyway, so getting her diagnosed against her will is mostly futile.
If she's already on meds for anxiety and they "don't help", she's already partly in the mental health/medical system and anxiety is something that pills & hopeless docs actually have some potential to actually treat & improve.
I'm just wondering if her being aware of the autism might make her more understanding when problems arise due to the autism. Or will she not care or get it?
I don't really know on that front.
Still, I feel if she told people she had autism, she might be able to maybe make friends easier because they'd be a little more patient/understanding (though unsure)
If she's ''good at hiding it'', it means she understands how to behave politely with other people and is aware of negative judgements from others and how to avoid it by exerting self-control.
At that point, calling it ''Autism'' makes the name of that disorder meaningless.
Talk to her politely about your expectations in the relationship and what irritates you, what irritates her, and what you can each reasonably do to make it work, or go your separate ways instead of being unhappy and wasting precious time of your fertile years.
Slapping a DSM-5 name on that is unnecessary.
I think she might be good at hiding it initially because she's desperate for being accepted by others so she puts in the work to hide it but over time as she becomes more comfortable with the person she thinks she shouldn't have to try so hard to be accommodating and starts being her "real self" and expects others to accept her real self. She sees her real self as perfectly normal though and then gets mad, frustrated, confused why once she starts acting her real self, everyone stops associating with her. This is especially true because people don't put things together to realize she's got a problem so they're not accommodating to her issues or know how to properly adapt themselves to her problems. Since she was fine initially for a while then not, they figure she's just a bad person who isn't worth their time then cut off ties rather than having a problem that could be workable if understood.
The only reason I'd slap a label onto it is because if she accepts that she's not normal and realizes that she she struggles with some of the problems in life she struggles with, maybe she can better adapt to them.
I can fix her.
Yeah, no.
Op is a faggot.
Thank the universe you found your tism princess and at least try to enjoy her special interest?
Her special interests are fashion and she doesn't seem to understand that I have no clue how women's clothing works so she'll get angry if I don't know which outfit she's referring to when asking me what she should wear. She'll refer to it as the X-type using female clothing terms and I'll have no clue. It also doesn't help that she has a new outfit for everything. Trust me, no guy would ever think it was reasonable to know this stuff in most scenarios but if I knew she had autism maybe I will actually try to learn it all. I didn't really have the same teenage upbringing as her where I learned everything about women's clothes.... She doesn't seem to get that.
Unless she's been coming up with her own brand of terminology and categorization, it shouldn't be that difficult to learn about?
If you're in the US, see if you can turn her onto the ladies doing how to still dress how they want while carrying. At least it involves guns.
https://x.com/pandthepistol/status/1960411785116442804?t=eAwWfv7kAijzJGNk-bEo1Q&s=19
Meanwhile, Mamoru Nagano...
If you think the relationship is worth it, just work on it the same you would any other relationship. Trying to "fix" her by making it clinical is just going to come off as controlling and lead to disaster.
My advice is to not separate any condition from the person. If the relationship isn't working, act on that. If the relationship could be made to work, act on that. But don't fool yourself into thinking you can just correct a specific part of someone and it will be a magic fix. Look at her holistically.
On the bright side though. At least you're going through this with autism and not BPD.
This is extremely good advice.
And just to add to it, people usually want to be treated like a person, an individual, a friend, a lover, etc. Not as a patient or a disorder. Neither partner in the relationship should be overemphasizing anyone's psychological problems as the central highlight of the relationship.
Especially not if it's treated as a perpetual problem that could or should be fixed. Instead, treat it as something that's just part of the overall experience or something like that. Just as you would if you were to describe someone as neurotic or a nervous nelly.
An autistic girl who isn't a lesbian is pretty rare, just saying.
She's bi and has been with women so this checks out.
How can you tell she has the gift of magic?
First of all, have you noticed this is a girl with problems that you want to help? Honestly this looks like a HUGE red flag, especially since most of these issues are related to her personality.
With any relationship you have to establish boundaries and lines that need to never be crossed. This is especially important for the mentally undeveloped. You can't "fix her" but you can at the very least prevent her from sucking you into her world and ruining your life. If she cares enough, she'll try. If not, well... it was already going to be a challenge on a good day.
Why live life on hard mode? Dump the cunt.
Never tell her, it will just become a club she bludgeons you with.
What's her Star Sign?
Leo
A month ago I was talking about world war ii battleships. I've been on a few of them in the Pearl harbor museum, and have a history degree so it was fun. He knew it down to details and was excited that I could go fairly deep.
He said it was so hard to find people who knew it down to the details he could.
"I can't keep up with you, but it's your thing and I am going to bet you have the tism."
He was taken back and then said he should probably be tested. A week later he told everyone excitedly that he was autistic and it explained so much.
Just tell her some jokes that an autistic guy wouls get, or someone who works with engineers.
What's the difference between an autistic guy and an engineer? The degree and $60,000.
You can fix her, just throw your life away.