WASHINGTON—In a touching moment following Friday’s Supreme Court’s 5-4 decision overruling Roe v. Wade and eliminating the constitutional right to an abortion, Justices Brett Kavanaugh and Clarence Thomas reportedly championed the better future they’d created for the next generation of rapists. “We did it, my friend—we’ve been waiting decades for this moment,” a visibly teary-eyed Kavanaugh was overheard saying to Thomas as the two congratulated each other on their work to make the world a better and safer place for perpetrators of sexual assault. “Today, we celebrate those who will come after us, who will be able to rape to their heart’s content. No one will be able to stop them. Whether it’s spousal sexual assault, statutory rape, or simply gang-raping a stranger, future generations will have the full backing of the law. Of course, we know that the rapists who come after us may not know their history, and so may not be aware of the decades we spent in the trenches fighting for their rights, but we’ll rest easy knowing we did all we could. Ultimately, what we’ve accomplished today is a crucial step toward enshrining universal rights for rapists, as well as bringing more babies into the world to be raped, but remember that our work isn’t done. I know we’ll spend the rest of our careers fighting for those who want to sexually violate other people.” At press time, Kavanaugh and Thomas were joined by a similarly ecstatic Justice Samuel Alito, who was said to have told them his only regret in the ruling was that they couldn’t do more to punish rape victims.
Also pretending that more than an insignificant number of abortions are due to rape, or that most states with strict abortion laws don't already have exceptions for rape.
eliminating the constitutional right to an abortion
The joke here is that the Constitution doesn't outline any such right to abortion, and no lawyer has ever made such an argument (successfully) in front of the Supreme Court.
I was on cracked in 2013ish when it started getting woke and they banned dissenters. Then I ended up on TiA because the whiners at cracked kept talking about how conservative reddit was
This isn't new, really. It's all been happening since at least the 90s.
When Rush Limbaugh got big and was starting his feminazi movement ABC (I think it was ABC) ran an hour long "women's comedy special" that was nothing more than a thinly veiled attack on the right and specifically Rush Limbaugh.
Like these Onion headlines it was utter cringe fest and NOT funny in the slightest.
But like Air America's past shows - you can't find that show anywhere on YouTube or on the internet. (or my google-fu just sucks) Something that was wildly hailed (before it aired) is all but scrubbed from history like all communist failures. But somebody MUST have recorded it out there. Does anybody know if there's a copy or even know what I'm talking about?
It was 6-3 upholding the Mississippi law; it was 5-4 to overturn Roe. Roberts's concurrence would weaken Roe enough to reach the same judgement but "without overruling Roe all the way down to the studs".
https://www.supremecourt.gov/opinions/21pdf/19-1392_6j37.pdf
Hot damn the Onion went to shit. I mean I knew they were biased but that's just ... sad. Their actual frontpage looks like satire ... of The Onion.
Jesus, that's an understatement and a half. OP wasn't kidding- it's literally the entire front page dedicated to seething.
Remember the Onion News Network? That was the golden age. My favorites were Scientists Successfully Teach Gorilla It Will Die Someday and China Launches First Willing Manned Mission Into Space.
Honorary mention goes to Ohio Replaces Lethal Injection With Humane New Head-Ripping-Off Machine which actually manages to have social commentary while being darkly funny. (and gory)
I don't understand what happened. RIP Onion, all hail The Bee.
They got bought by dems
Ah, the "Can't beat The Drudge Report? Become The Drudge Report." tactic. What a shame.
They literally got bought by a pro-Hillary group to run HillDawg propaganda
Someone should remind them that RvW is just a clump of papers.
The modern onion is what happens when unfunny people attempt satire.
Also, half of those rulings would be based.
Humor.
I fail to see where their rape angle is comming fro- ohhhh, they still play-pretend the false accusations against Kavanaugh were "credible"?
Even that dosen't make sense of their rant.
They just sound insane.
Also pretending that more than an insignificant number of abortions are due to rape, or that most states with strict abortion laws don't already have exceptions for rape.
The joke here is that the Constitution doesn't outline any such right to abortion, and no lawyer has ever made such an argument (successfully) in front of the Supreme Court.
They all go to shit. et tu, Mad Magazine? Cracked?
Agreed on MadTV, but I was referring to a magazine of my childhood that went to shit many years ago.
I was on cracked in 2013ish when it started getting woke and they banned dissenters. Then I ended up on TiA because the whiners at cracked kept talking about how conservative reddit was
This isn't new, really. It's all been happening since at least the 90s.
When Rush Limbaugh got big and was starting his feminazi movement ABC (I think it was ABC) ran an hour long "women's comedy special" that was nothing more than a thinly veiled attack on the right and specifically Rush Limbaugh.
Like these Onion headlines it was utter cringe fest and NOT funny in the slightest.
But like Air America's past shows - you can't find that show anywhere on YouTube or on the internet. (or my google-fu just sucks) Something that was wildly hailed (before it aired) is all but scrubbed from history like all communist failures. But somebody MUST have recorded it out there. Does anybody know if there's a copy or even know what I'm talking about?
My first thought on looking at that - they do know the Dobbs ruling was 6-3 right?
It was 6-3 upholding the Mississippi law; it was 5-4 to overturn Roe. Roberts's concurrence would weaken Roe enough to reach the same judgement but "without overruling Roe all the way down to the studs". https://www.supremecourt.gov/opinions/21pdf/19-1392_6j37.pdf
Fair enough, thanks.
The bee > the onion