WASHINGTON—In a touching moment following Friday’s Supreme Court’s 5-4 decision overruling Roe v. Wade and eliminating the constitutional right to an abortion, Justices Brett Kavanaugh and Clarence Thomas reportedly championed the better future they’d created for the next generation of rapists. “We did it, my friend—we’ve been waiting decades for this moment,” a visibly teary-eyed Kavanaugh was overheard saying to Thomas as the two congratulated each other on their work to make the world a better and safer place for perpetrators of sexual assault. “Today, we celebrate those who will come after us, who will be able to rape to their heart’s content. No one will be able to stop them. Whether it’s spousal sexual assault, statutory rape, or simply gang-raping a stranger, future generations will have the full backing of the law. Of course, we know that the rapists who come after us may not know their history, and so may not be aware of the decades we spent in the trenches fighting for their rights, but we’ll rest easy knowing we did all we could. Ultimately, what we’ve accomplished today is a crucial step toward enshrining universal rights for rapists, as well as bringing more babies into the world to be raped, but remember that our work isn’t done. I know we’ll spend the rest of our careers fighting for those who want to sexually violate other people.” At press time, Kavanaugh and Thomas were joined by a similarly ecstatic Justice Samuel Alito, who was said to have told them his only regret in the ruling was that they couldn’t do more to punish rape victims.

Humor.