In the last few days, I’ve become really, really Ill with something. Some of you will know of my mental struggles, and that I wasn’t exactly in “peak physical condition” even before this, but this is the sickest I’ve probably ever been,..
Certainly it’s the most medical treatment I’ve had in years, and, by the end, it’ll be just about the second-most time I’ve spent in and out of hospital… It’s fucking terrible. And if certain doctors are right, my quality of life may have just changed, permanently, just like that. Completely randomly…
To put it into perspective, I can barely read this, now, as I write it. I can barely read your posts. I can’t spell, now, and my cognitive… Abilities, are way off. But it’s the sight that most concerns me, and knowing that, if what I have been told is right, my whole life may have just changed…
Consequently, I just don’t… Care. I don’t care about Baldwin. I care about the woman who was called, and the director, but I don’t… Care about pinning down fault. I don’t care that my country has just sacked a cartoonist for criticisong the government. I don’t care that everything is going to shit, in the western world. I’m dying. I just… I don’t have time, or energy, to fight those battles anymore.
So… I’m right here with you, and I support your battles, guys. I support fighting back. But right now, I can barely write a grammatically-correct paragraph, or even just… Function. I can’t work. I can’t drive.
So you have to fight this for me, now. Keep up the fight.
And if this DOES progress, and I, I dunno, decide “Fuck it, I may as well become a Paralympian now”, and I make it to Paris or something, I’ll keep you posted, lol.
Fuck, it physically hurt to type that out on my phone. That’s how sick I am. 😔
RipMe.
I’m really sorry to hear about your situation. Hope things get better. If it’s ok I’ll pray for you
Sure, please do. Thanks bud. I genuinely appreciate it. ❤️
Honestly, people keep “reassuring me”, and apparently the drugs for this (MS, possibly) have gotten better, over the last 15 years, so…
I dunno. I’ve tried to keep up a brave face, around other people, today, but I’m scared. Genuinely. So… Yah. Appreciate it!
Oh well. There’s always the Para’s, as I say. I’m glad that exists, at least. 🤷🏻♂️
I hate that it’s possibly MS, though. I’m a man, I’m not supposed to get MS, lol… Fucking annoying, ha.
I'm sorry to hear about what's happening to you, too. I hope you beat whatever's ailing you.
Regarding this bit:
Try to keep up a brave face not for other people, but for yourself. You can't control your physical condition, but you can control your mental state. It's kinda like... did you know that, if you just pretend to be happy, it'll make you genuinely happier? Seriously, it's the craziest thing. Even if you're depressed, you can just fake-smile until you're feeling better. It's literally just "fake it till you make it" and it works - and I suspect being brave will have similar effects. Just say "fuck off, I'm not dying yet". Live out of spite if you have to. You have nothing to lose.
I guess if nothing else… This should teach me to take every day as a “blessing”, of sorts, now, and not “waste” whatever time I have (not that I did, anyway)…
So that’s something.
Because before I become any more sick, I would like to… At least try to do my best by other people, again if nothing else.
I think I could do better at that. Maybe losing partial sight and a lot of function is the wake up call I needed? Who knows, hey? 🙂
Also a call to try and “get healthier”, if I ever do recover. Because if I’m fighting my own immune system, now? Well, I may as well at least make a real go of it, I suppose!!
And no, this isn’t coof, nor thanks to the coof shot, which I haven’t had…
Though the public hospital did lecture me massively, over that fact. And it is an absolute hell on earth to be in, at the moment, with masks and the most restrictive “Covid protocols” I’ve ever seen. So… That made it worse.
But no, it ain’t coof-related. And it likely ain’t even my fault. There may very well have been nothing I could have done to prevent this. Though I’ll still blame myself, probably for as long as I live, for it (anyone with a chronic condition, you know what I’m talking about), and rue that, if nothing else, I didn’t “do more” to be healthier, or… Live my life more to the fullest, before this happened.
So if I can say anything, out of this; if you take anything at all from this post - please just… Live life as fully as you can, while you can. Because you just… Never know when it is all going to be taken from you, and you may never have those chances again. 🤷🏻♂️
Appreciate what you’ve got, and don’t take your health or good physical luck for granted. Because it can all be taken from you. Completely randomly. Just. Like. That.
Very few people heed that advice until it hits them personally (myself included ;) ). There's a reason people say: getting older ain't for the faint of heart. And that shit starts earlier than people think.
I've made so many bad choices, mostly by not doing enough, that the one lesson I've learned is: don't bother worrying about what you could have done, you can't change that. Learn from your past but don't dwell on it and stop thinking about what-ifs.
Try to do the best with what you've got going forward. Easier said than done, I know, but dwelling on the past just paralyzes you with depression.
Yeah, very true friend.
Honestly, I just don’t want to be an invalid. Or never see colour fully again. So… I wish I’d stopped to… I dunno, look at flowers and art, more, lol..?
I know that sounds stupid. I know. But it’s such a small thing, that I took for granted, that I don’t even have right now… 😑
As you say, though, if I DO get my health back, I guess I just… Won’t take things, including the days that pass, for granted so much, anymore.
And if nothing else, if I do have/develop bad MS/worsening health and/or eyesight , there’s always the Paras, I suppose, as I said before… 🤷🏻♂️ It’s a good reason to work towards getting fit again, if nothing else!
Funny though, I never, ever thought this would happen to me. An autoimmune condition, in someone who has never done IV drugs, never had a blood transfusion, has a fear of needles, and has never even come into contact with someone with HIV, knowingly, let alone had the unsafe sex to possibly get it…
Amazing. Just shows that you can never, ever predict these things, no matter how overcautious you may be… 😒
I really hope you get through this. It might not be what they think it is.
I'm not religious, but I'll get my religious family to pray for you.
I am truly sorry to hear about what you are going through.
I really hope things improve for you and that you are able to get better.
Although I don't know you personally, I will pray for you.
Your last post about your mental struggles really resonated with me. I have seen people really close to me go through similar things.
I know this is going to sound cheesy and kinda cringe but this one quote from the show Avatar the Last Airbender comes to my mind when I start getting way too blackpilled about everything these days.
"You must never give into despair. Allow yourself to slip down that road and you surrender to your lowest instincts. In the darkest times, hope is something you give yourself. That is the meaning of inner strength."
Don't give up. I hope you will be able to find some peace and happiness despite it all.
Thanks friend. Much appreciated. Really.
Yeah, it’s funny. The mental health stuff… Has made ma so “numb” that most of this actual physical shit, the last few days… perhaps hasn’t hit me as hard as it might for Someone who hasn’t experienced all that, already…
Although being told I might never see properly again, or that I might not be able to finish my degree, now, or that… I might have a degenerative condition which…Is going to gradually reduce my QOL, that’s… Hit me pretty hard, I admit. 😦
Side note: I genuinely can’t see what I’m writing, now, so I won’t be able to comment, more, tonight. Im sorry to you, the other kind poster, and anyone else who sees this, but my eyesight/neuro-whatever is genuinely that bad, rn… 😐
It’s a fucking disaster.
Also because every time I try to te someone quite how bad it is (doctors, nurses, my family), they brush it off, or tell me I’ll just have to get used to it…
I don’t think anyone quite understand what it’s feels like to suddenly go 40% or more blind. 😔 Ha, I can’t even see these emojis properly, dude. Far out…
You shouldn't be worried about it at all. You need to be worried about you at this point. Hopefully you pull through, mate.
Side note: I’m lying here with a cannula in my arm, unable to roll over for fear of fucking it up, absolutely roided with high dose steroids, and quite literally looking (and feeling, probably… I would imagine, at least) like a heroin addict or a cancer patient…
And I can’t even see colour properly, right now, let alone read…
It’s hard to give a shit about ANYTHING, let alone political shit, or the ongoing culture war, or my country falling into the abyss…
Thoroughly unwholesome.
BRB, dyin’. Literally… 😔
Are you at least experiencing any cool hallucinations from the steroids?
Haha actually yes…
Though my arm is so sore, after 8 - 9 hours of trying to sleep with the cannula in, that it sort of snaps me out of it, lol…
But it’s sort of like… Having fever dreams, I guess, lol… It’s fucking bizarre, ahaha… 😅
I’ll keep you posted if it gets more interesting! Can’t stop shaking right now, haha…
You experienced this before? It’s fucking wack, hey?? My whole body feels rooted…
I was mostly being facetious, but am also somewhat genuinely curious.
I've never personally been on high dose steroids before but I used to work in healthcare so I know about all the wonderful side effects in theory.
Unfortunately, I'd imagine most hallucinations people experience aren't pleasant/happy ones.
Yeah, honestly, it’s… If you’ve ever had chickenpox, or even just a really bad infection, that’s what it feels like right now, lol…
Though I haven’t really hallucinated any monsters yet, ha.
You know Rusted Root - “Send Me on My Way”..? I’ve had that in my head for the last several hours, which is… Novel. 😏
Mostly just really shaky, though. It’s funny, they told me I could drive to hospital today, for my third dose, if I had to…
It’s like, “Lol no, girl. I can’t fucking see road signs, and now I can’t even hold something without shaking. Y’all really want me to drive??!”
As I’m sure you’d know from experience, they (mostly) try hard to reassure you, but yeah, nah, I ain’t up to functioning rn, lol… I can barely stand! 😂
Rip (like literally, get some peaceful rest) the boozler. Get well soon fella.
Brutal, man. Nothing I can say will really make a difference, but your comments are definitely inspiring in a way. I hope against all odds (based on your description at least) you can get better.
I was just thinking: if anyone else reads this, probably the best thing you can do to help is not to worry about me too much (though look for your local MS charity, if you want. They could always do with more support!), but honestly, look after your own health, and look after the people around you, and your community.
I’m not that unhealthy, really. I’m not old. I’m not that overweight. I try to look after myself. And yet, this has happened to me, and my life has totally changed, potentially for some time, completely randomly and without provocation, over the course of less than a week.
So please, look after yourselves, and your loved ones. If this can happen to me, like this, it can probably happen to almost anyone. Watch out for it.
And also, live your life to the fullest, as I’ve already said. Because you never know when you’re gonna lose the ability to see colour, or read a book, or spell, or drive a car, or sleep properly, or play a game, or watch a movie. You just… Never know. So make the most of what you have, who you have around you, and the abilities you have, while you have them. Do that for me.
Cheers, and best wishes. And thanks for all your kind thoughts. Genuinely. 🙂
In case you get enough energy back to get bored but your eyesight's still recovering, there's a hell of a lot of good audio book recordings out there, especially if there's some old classics you've never got around to reading. I find audio books too slow usually, but that might be a positive if you're still kind of wiped out.
And there are a small few games tailored to the visually impaired too, like this one (forgive the maybe tactless name), although I take no responsibility for how trippy things might get playing a eyes-closed game whilst potentially whacked out on steroids and whatever other drugs.
Also, folks, I really don’t recommend steroids (of the medical type), if you can avoid them…
Just… Make sure you don’t have any other options first. Because I feel… Sick as a dog. The sickest I’ve felt in a very long time. And this is just after two days of this shit, in admittedly a very high dose… 😔
I do not recommend. Even for the initial two-hour or so “mdma-like” high… It’s really not worth it.