Sometimes I watch Sam Hyde's streams where he creates a burner account on bumble or tinder and spends hours swiping. It's brutal out there for single guys. If something happened to my wife I'd probably never try to date again. I have no idea how to prepare my son to navigate all this either.
At least you're thinking about how to prepare him, my parents gave me fuck all for advice when I was growing up and even approaching them later in life...well my dad's advice was basically to get lucky. So yeah, you're doing better than the previous generation at least.
The world your parents grew up is completely gone. My parents are the same way, they have no clue what the current dating scene is like. They just say, "It'll happen when it happens" and prefer to avoid the discussion entirely.
I can relate to that. My parents didn’t prepare me for anything either. I fell into just about every pitfall there was when I was in my twenties. I learned every lesson the hard way. My son will have to make his own choices but he’ll have my guidance to fall back on.
I can assure you that my own were even less helpful. Their boomer perception was even more ancient, since they got married almost right after high school, so they had a very short period of actually experiencing any kind of a dating scene. Back then, blind dates or dating people within a circle of friends was common. Or just asking out a fellow high school student in the neighborhood.
So they really didn't have any remotely usable advice. And good luck on anything even resembling emotional support in the area. A Vulcan or an Android would've been able to provide more meaningful feedback.
I try very hard to not have regrets in my life, but one observation I make is that it would have been way easier to marry much earlier in life than most people (including religious "leaders") recommend.
Had I married the girl from high school who I was kinda into and who in retrospect was quite obviously into me, things in my life would have been very different but I probably would have figured out how to make them work. And I wouldn't have to think about how to make dating in my 40s work.
I can empathize with those kinds of regrets, even though I sort of railed on my own parents who did something similar to what you say you wish you'd done yourself in my other comment.
At the same time though I've seen and heard so many examples of how often getting married too early can end up biting people in the ass, since they're still at that stage where they're trying to find their own path in life.
I'm not sure at what exact age your situation was occurring, but I do think there is a certain "sweet spot" kind of age that tends to work out best. At least in a relatively normal non-clown world society. I also think college and the sheer length of time it eats up has become a bit of a conundrum that often causes a lot of people to miss that sweet spot. Especially for those who don't have clear career goals almost from the moment they start going to college. And colleges have done an increasingly piss poor job of making anything go smoothly.
I think another important observation that makes it difficult is that the 'sweet spot' is different for different people, because people mature at different rates. I know that if I had gotten married in my early 20s, I would have made a complete pig's ear of it and would probably be divorced now, because I was still a stupid kid who didn't know what he wanted from life. Other people that age are much more impressive and really have their head screwed on straight, usually because they experienced more difficulties in life than I did, so them getting married at that age would be a lot safer.
That's probably another reason why people used to get married a lot younger, because people were forced to mature much earlier and didn't have this extended adolescence we have today.
I'm glad I waited, but at the same time getting married later presents its own problems. There's less time for my wife and I to live together as just the two of us because neither of us are getting any younger and we want to have kids before we're out of that peak fertility window.
Overall I guess people used to get married earlier because 1. It makes more sense biologically and sociologically to pair up sooner and 2. The quality of people's upbringing (and the people themselves) was better in the past, so they didn't have to worry so much about their immaturity going into their 20s.
I certainly agree, that sweet spot can vary from individual to individual. That's why I tried to describe it with a somewhat broad yet generally applicable range. There's always going to be a few tradeoffs, however that plays out, but that's just how most things in life tend to go.
I'd add one more thing to your stated reasons for why relationships tend to develop later on in life than they did in the past: There's far more distractions. And I'm not talking about "youngsters and their phones", but the vast number hobbies, entertainment, and general preoccupations that can end up eating up solid volume of time. Granted, in the past they also didn't have as many practical conveniences either, and thus a lot of time had to be devoted to fairly consuming yet necessary chores.
Mind you, I'm not making any kind of a moral or ethical statement when I say that, just stating it as a matter of reality. I think future generations will have a better handle on how to manage their priorities though, I've already seen this pop up occasionally with a few self-aware and observant zoomers every now and then.
A good friend of mine from HS got married when he was still in college, and they waited a few years after graduation to have kids. He and his wife are still together; and their kids are coming up on HS age. So it can and did work out even among people I know, though he was certainly an outlier.
Another good HS friend was in the "no clear career goals" camp and drifted around a bit after college, and getting married seemed to have forced him to actually get his shit together so he could put food on the table.
Which is to say that there can also be some good that comes of it. Though these were both deeply religious people, so probably everyone in their life was telling them to make it work.
And it's not just college that causes people to miss the "sweet spot" but the fact kids are often moving away from home to attend college. And then moving away from where they attended college to start a career. So everything in life up to that point has a built-in time limit, and every time the timer resets you have to rebuild your social life from zero.
It's going to be strange to see how things continue to develop with regards to social circles in the future due to the widespread presence of social media and the Internet.
I mean admittedly we've already had at least a decade or two to see how some of it plays out, but it's definitely been evolving at a faster and stranger pace than I ever could've anticipated. Not that it's necessarily a "bad thing", but it is rather strange and sometimes unpredictable.
And I'm still not sure if it's been a more positive or negative thing for those who grew up developing social circles and finding dates in person at a local level. Especially since some of those negative aspects can be attributed to design decisions made by the companies creating and managing online apps and platforms.
In either case it's certainly not been the easiest thing to try and adapt to.
I married at 23 and my wife was 22. I got LOTS of shit during those hedonistic times of the mid/late 00s. Boomers said I was too young and I should live.a little while young people had no desire for that level of commitment.
Best decision of my life. It’s not always easy, but it’s easier than being single now.
Tell him what my father told me when I was 13, pray that the Lord lead you to a good wife and help you along the way. I definitely was guided and won the lottery with my wife. I gave the same advice to both my sons. I'd love to say they followed it to the letter, but they both got married more because they were afraid they'd never find the right woman. One definitely found his soulmate. She's far from perfect but they definitely go together. The other, the jury is still out, and we have had our moments of concern that she'll bail for purely selfish reasons.
Sometimes I watch Sam Hyde's streams where he creates a burner account on bumble or tinder and spends hours swiping. It's brutal out there for single guys. If something happened to my wife I'd probably never try to date again. I have no idea how to prepare my son to navigate all this either.
At least you're thinking about how to prepare him, my parents gave me fuck all for advice when I was growing up and even approaching them later in life...well my dad's advice was basically to get lucky. So yeah, you're doing better than the previous generation at least.
The world your parents grew up is completely gone. My parents are the same way, they have no clue what the current dating scene is like. They just say, "It'll happen when it happens" and prefer to avoid the discussion entirely.
I can relate to that. My parents didn’t prepare me for anything either. I fell into just about every pitfall there was when I was in my twenties. I learned every lesson the hard way. My son will have to make his own choices but he’ll have my guidance to fall back on.
I can assure you that my own were even less helpful. Their boomer perception was even more ancient, since they got married almost right after high school, so they had a very short period of actually experiencing any kind of a dating scene. Back then, blind dates or dating people within a circle of friends was common. Or just asking out a fellow high school student in the neighborhood.
So they really didn't have any remotely usable advice. And good luck on anything even resembling emotional support in the area. A Vulcan or an Android would've been able to provide more meaningful feedback.
That last line…damn.
I try very hard to not have regrets in my life, but one observation I make is that it would have been way easier to marry much earlier in life than most people (including religious "leaders") recommend.
Had I married the girl from high school who I was kinda into and who in retrospect was quite obviously into me, things in my life would have been very different but I probably would have figured out how to make them work. And I wouldn't have to think about how to make dating in my 40s work.
I can empathize with those kinds of regrets, even though I sort of railed on my own parents who did something similar to what you say you wish you'd done yourself in my other comment.
At the same time though I've seen and heard so many examples of how often getting married too early can end up biting people in the ass, since they're still at that stage where they're trying to find their own path in life.
I'm not sure at what exact age your situation was occurring, but I do think there is a certain "sweet spot" kind of age that tends to work out best. At least in a relatively normal non-clown world society. I also think college and the sheer length of time it eats up has become a bit of a conundrum that often causes a lot of people to miss that sweet spot. Especially for those who don't have clear career goals almost from the moment they start going to college. And colleges have done an increasingly piss poor job of making anything go smoothly.
I think another important observation that makes it difficult is that the 'sweet spot' is different for different people, because people mature at different rates. I know that if I had gotten married in my early 20s, I would have made a complete pig's ear of it and would probably be divorced now, because I was still a stupid kid who didn't know what he wanted from life. Other people that age are much more impressive and really have their head screwed on straight, usually because they experienced more difficulties in life than I did, so them getting married at that age would be a lot safer.
That's probably another reason why people used to get married a lot younger, because people were forced to mature much earlier and didn't have this extended adolescence we have today.
I'm glad I waited, but at the same time getting married later presents its own problems. There's less time for my wife and I to live together as just the two of us because neither of us are getting any younger and we want to have kids before we're out of that peak fertility window.
Overall I guess people used to get married earlier because 1. It makes more sense biologically and sociologically to pair up sooner and 2. The quality of people's upbringing (and the people themselves) was better in the past, so they didn't have to worry so much about their immaturity going into their 20s.
I certainly agree, that sweet spot can vary from individual to individual. That's why I tried to describe it with a somewhat broad yet generally applicable range. There's always going to be a few tradeoffs, however that plays out, but that's just how most things in life tend to go.
I'd add one more thing to your stated reasons for why relationships tend to develop later on in life than they did in the past: There's far more distractions. And I'm not talking about "youngsters and their phones", but the vast number hobbies, entertainment, and general preoccupations that can end up eating up solid volume of time. Granted, in the past they also didn't have as many practical conveniences either, and thus a lot of time had to be devoted to fairly consuming yet necessary chores.
Mind you, I'm not making any kind of a moral or ethical statement when I say that, just stating it as a matter of reality. I think future generations will have a better handle on how to manage their priorities though, I've already seen this pop up occasionally with a few self-aware and observant zoomers every now and then.
A good friend of mine from HS got married when he was still in college, and they waited a few years after graduation to have kids. He and his wife are still together; and their kids are coming up on HS age. So it can and did work out even among people I know, though he was certainly an outlier.
Another good HS friend was in the "no clear career goals" camp and drifted around a bit after college, and getting married seemed to have forced him to actually get his shit together so he could put food on the table.
Which is to say that there can also be some good that comes of it. Though these were both deeply religious people, so probably everyone in their life was telling them to make it work.
And it's not just college that causes people to miss the "sweet spot" but the fact kids are often moving away from home to attend college. And then moving away from where they attended college to start a career. So everything in life up to that point has a built-in time limit, and every time the timer resets you have to rebuild your social life from zero.
That would have been unusual 100 years ago.
It's going to be strange to see how things continue to develop with regards to social circles in the future due to the widespread presence of social media and the Internet.
I mean admittedly we've already had at least a decade or two to see how some of it plays out, but it's definitely been evolving at a faster and stranger pace than I ever could've anticipated. Not that it's necessarily a "bad thing", but it is rather strange and sometimes unpredictable.
And I'm still not sure if it's been a more positive or negative thing for those who grew up developing social circles and finding dates in person at a local level. Especially since some of those negative aspects can be attributed to design decisions made by the companies creating and managing online apps and platforms.
In either case it's certainly not been the easiest thing to try and adapt to.
I married at 23 and my wife was 22. I got LOTS of shit during those hedonistic times of the mid/late 00s. Boomers said I was too young and I should live.a little while young people had no desire for that level of commitment.
Best decision of my life. It’s not always easy, but it’s easier than being single now.
Tell him what my father told me when I was 13, pray that the Lord lead you to a good wife and help you along the way. I definitely was guided and won the lottery with my wife. I gave the same advice to both my sons. I'd love to say they followed it to the letter, but they both got married more because they were afraid they'd never find the right woman. One definitely found his soulmate. She's far from perfect but they definitely go together. The other, the jury is still out, and we have had our moments of concern that she'll bail for purely selfish reasons.