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41
Damn, that's deep (media.communities.win)
posted 3 years ago by user20461 3 years ago by user20461 +42 / -1
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– Gizortnik 6 points 3 years ago +6 / -0

To this day, my absolute top comment on Reddit was from going to AskWomen and explaining to women how male friend groups treat each other is not an unrelenting stream of abuse and fragile toxic masculinity, but integrity tests to ensure that their emotional walls are strong enough to endure the shocks of life.

It started as a result of a woman complaining that men were constantly berating each other in what she saw as masculine dick-measuring contests; and I had to explain what she really saw, and why those are so important.

5 years later, and still probably 1-3 times a year, someone swings by my messages to tell me thanks.

I think the biggest takeaways that I saw were that:

  • Women never built up emotional walls, and were always stunned, surprised, or hurt, when men interacted with them like men. Women built up each other's egos, but had nothing to protect them with.

  • Men who never experienced normal socialization always thought every ball was a brick, and so reacted badly, accordingly.

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– RoulerBleu 2 points 3 years ago +2 / -0

It's totally a thing among normal boys and men.

I always had trouble relating with how other guys would behave when we were among eachothers. How they would talk shit at eachothers and laugh. Constantly.

Could be extremely vulgar at times, but it wasen't random ( I don't know how to explain. the phrasing? tone? the non-verbal cues? ). Like how there is a clear difference between boys playing rough and boys having a fight?

Any temper lost was quickly regained with no grudge.

At work, I see older men who are friends still do that.

I can't do that, but can tell when coworkers are trying to ''play'' that way with me too and it's just akward. It's obvious they're just doing that, not being jerk. Just including me in it but it dosen't work.

P.S. : I did experience that socialisation, but never got over the ''everything is a brick'' when directly involved. Initially it got me alot of (deserved) shit because well, I ''responded with bricks'', but later I stuck with ''if I have nothing nice to say I'll just shut up'' and made friends again.

Always found it interesting to see my friends do the insult-the-shit-out-of-eachothers.

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– Gizortnik 1 point 3 years ago +1 / -0

It's because there is an understanding that no one is actually under any real threat, where as you were responding in an insecure manner because you struggled to emotionally accept that you and your social value were not in jeapordy.

Same reason you can steal a cookie from a baker and he'll be annoyed, but if you steal a cookie from a homeless man, by taking it out of his mouth, he might stab you over it.

What this means is that you will need to continue your efforts at socialization and develop more emotional stoicism. Saying nothing doesn't help because it doesn't allow you to build social bonds that form relationships, which form the basis of your life generally.

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– RoulerBleu 1 point 3 years ago +1 / -0

Oh I didn't stay quiet, I developped a good sense of humour and made good friends who appreciated my company and I appreciated theirs too.

I just never got the hang of the shit-talking.

Sometimes the jokes were almost shit-talking with close friends, but never going half as far as my friends took it.

This could only happen after the ''shut up if you have nothing nice to say'' phase which got me friends.

( And never with coworkers. )

P.S. : Oh now I remember : Social anxiety : pathological fear of negative judgement from others.

It's a personality trait you're stuck to manage forever so it stays under control.

Unless you want to end-up freezing with you hand on the door knob because if you go outside, people will see you, and you don't want them to think you exist.

And like you said, managing that involves going out of your way to do things that don't come-up naturally to you : go out and be around people, listen and talk to them.

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– user20461 [S] 1 point 3 years ago +1 / -0

Great read, thanks for sharing!

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▲ 2 ▼
– Gizortnik 2 points 3 years ago +2 / -0

No problem

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– Assassin47 1 point 3 years ago +1 / -0

Surprised some jannie never deleted it out of spite.

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– Gizortnik 1 point 3 years ago +1 / -0

I was fucking surprised to. I actually sent an apology to the mods for "taking up too much space" which was a thing that the feminist mods always did. They never responded. I think some of them might have learned something.

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