An obese Hispanic lesbian.

That's exactly who you would trust to protect the president of your country.

Surely I jest, I hear you say? Nay, look at the sheer size of her. A walking human shield complete with durable fat rolls.

We also know from our very intelligent brothers who fought in the Liberian Civil War that bullets will try to veer away from women, because bullets do not like to hit women.

Thus, it is very logical to replace all Secret Service agents with obese lesbians.