I'm gonna be that guy!

If you entered this country without inspection, meaning you're an illegal alien, you cannot change your status base on marriage.

You have to leave the country, go to a consulate and apply there. You will be given a background check and they find any trace of you living in the states at any time for over 180 days illegally, bank accounts, driver license, utility bills, netflix account. You can be barred for 3-10 years married to an US citizen or not... Unless you have a good lawyer and money. Then you can apply for undue hardship exemption, but something tells me you're going to see a lot less of those getting approved in the next 4 years.

So yeah, funny joke, and you can still marry a jarhead, just don't expect it'll let you stay in the land of the big px immediately.