Whoever wrote his jokes is one of our guys, and that's good news for who's in his circle.

If you really wanted Vice President Harris to accept your invitation, you should have told her that the funds were going to bail out the looters and rioters of Minneapolis. She would have been here guaranteed.

Instead of attending tonight, she [Kamalla] is in Michigan receiving communion from Gretchen Whitmer

The only way you could see him [Biden] less is if he had a show on CNN

The fact is: we need good leadership in this country. Right now we have someone in the white house who can barely talk, barely put together two coherent sentences, who seems to have mental faculties of a child, a person who has nothing going, no intelligence whatsoever, but enough about Kamala Harris.

Considering how woke your [Chuck Schumer] party has become, if Kamala looses, you'll still have a chance to become the first woman president

There's a group called White Dudes For Harris, have you seen this? White Dudes For Harris? Anybody know them? White Dudes for -- doesn't sound like it. I'm not worried about them at all because their wives and their wives lovers are all voting for me.

A major issue of this race is childcare, and Kamala has put forward a concept of a plan; a lot of people don't like it; the only piece of advice I would have for her in the event that she wins would be: not to let her husband Doug anywhere near the nannies

Tradition tells that I'm supposed to tell a few self-deprecating jokes, so here it goes: Nope, I got nothing. I guess I don't see the point in taking shots at myself when other people have been shooting at me for a hell of a long time.

Governor Waltz wasn't here, but don't worry, he'll say that he was. I used to think the Democrats were crazy for saying that women have periods, but then I met Tim Waltz.

As I look around [ineligible] I see all the usual suspects, for instance Mayor Eric Adams. I'd like to poke some fun at Eric, but I'm going to be nice. I just want to be nice because I know what it's like to be persecuted by the DOJ for speaking out against Open Borders.

We have the former mayor of New York City with us, frankly, easily the worst. And it's not Michael, I can tell you. I was surprised that Bill DeBlasio was able to make it tonight, to be honest with you. He was a terrible mayor, I don't give a shit whether it's comedy or not. He was a terrible mayor. He did a -- he did a horrible job. That's not comedy by the way, that's fact. Unlike the rest of New York, at least Bill doesn't have to worry the criminals. They owe him big. He let them get away with a lot of stuff.

Well, I better wrap up because Mayor Adams told me earlier that I needed to make this one pretty quick, especially because the city has reserved this room for a large group of illegal aliens coming in from Texas.

Nearly the last 10 minutes is Trump straight up not telling jokes, because he said he didn't want to because how bad things had gotten in America in the world. He specifically said cited that he wanted to rebuild New York City and bring it back to what it was, to stop the killing in Ukraine because of how many people came up to him before the presentation, that God had protected him from assassination, and that Trump worked to save the Catholic private school system by getting them a billion dollars.