This guy's entire life is now based around psychological self defense mechanisms. He's lying to himself to avoid feeling guilty. He went against his own stated principals when it mattered the most and now he's never going to get a chance to redo it and it's tearing him up inside.

He has also clearly abused psychedelics in some desperate attempt to unplug from the matrix and find out that none of his past transgressions mattered because reality isn't real. That's not how it works, Jack - when you go on a trip you only have what you bring with you.

You fucked up and you need redemptive acts, not words.