I think a lot of it is black and white reasoning towards something that has always been culturally malleable. You take a people like the ancient Greeks, among whom had male lovers yet still had families, or people who were in the closet some decades ago yet still had 5 kids - or supposedly straight men who would hit on me out of curiousity or appreciation of my looks.
Many hazing rituals across the world are largely borderline gay, if not cross the boundaries into the very gay, yet it is compartmentalized as merely "boys being boys".
Is there a genetic component? I've heard the argument made, but there are straight people with those same genes. I hear the animal argument too, to which I counter, many of them go on to mate. These examples have no suggested permanance. I think the dichotomy is essentially an improvised trap so that those who funnel into the culture never crawl out.
Now with me, the whole thing is this: In short, was just able to turn it off.
When I was younger I was molested, I became weird and eccentric and got called "faggot" enough times to push me into the company of actual faggots and into the locus of groomer teachers, who also did shit to me. I didn't have a father to protect me from a lot of this shit and a lot of people tried to convince me of how concrete these things were so I mostly accepted it. Times progressed and people treated me better as a sort of bloomed into femboy. This was of course reinforced by pretty much everyone around me and I embraced being gay. I had a male appreciation and I liked being appreciated.
When I reached my 20's I began exploring and going places. I suppose I felt the machinations of a realization that the people around me were really dishonest about what a lot of this is, convincing you that this is good and normal and that homosexual relationships are equivocal to heterosexual relationships. Going to clubs and knowing shitty, messed up people showed me a lot of what I needed to know.
Let me tell you, every single man at any one club had fucked everyone in that club and the next, they were all on drugs. They all had serious damage. Genuine relationships are not possible and fostering my alcoholism I began to withdraw.
I didn't think much about anything in the time that I holed myself up in my apartment, but when I was seperated from the social affirmations I came to recognize that I was fucking empty, and then followed the realization, in waves, that I was driven by dopamine bumps and that my whole personality was defined by the affirmations and well wishes of others and that I lost several years of my life basically masturbating just with other people with a few extra steps (by Roman standards I am still very much a man - I was one of THOSE femboys); and that no one actually valued me. Everyone in your life is just placating your long, drawn out sugarcoated suicide for brownie points.
There came a point when something clicked into place and it was that I would never feel fulfilled. All of our ideas of what that means stems from a biological reality, there is a really fucking good reason for it I promise you.
I never really felt a desire to go back to that and began to pursue heterosexual relationships which was inconceivable to me oreviously, and I felt actual pairbonding. It isn't the same, none of it is the same - on a chemical level it's just different. It might be possible to be attracted to male hormones but I don't think I ever felt anything at all. If I got hooked on drugs, this ability to pairbond with women would have been taken away from me too.
As some years have gone by, the distance has only ever grown between myself and whatever I had that passed for friends and peers, everything between then and now has opened my eyes to a disturbing paradigm.
Society basically tried to fucking kill me off to virtue signal for the posterized highlight reel of some of the worst people on this planet. This is why I am completely without compassion towards the majority of them, they were validating and exploiting what emerged from sexual abuse; every facet of socialization, every pat on the back interconnected, interconnected with that. The people pushing this almost got away with murder, with a smile and my dignity in a paperbag. Just because. Nobody cares who gets caught up in what might aswell be a quiet genocide and with "queer culture" it is a much more lubricated pipeline. I am wholely convinced that this is calculated form of population reduction and that much of this life is still kill or be killed, it just happens to be planned on paper and thinktanks.
Interesting read, thank you for sharing a detailed perspective. I've always doubted the existence of actual gay people, knowing there is just something much more than that, so it's interesting to see the perspective of someone who has unfortunately once fell victim to their grooming. If you don't mind my curiousity, how are you now?
Aside from dealing with the functioning schizophrenia of woman like every other shmuck, I am stuck grappling with the fact that this world is insane for all of the reasons I used to giggle at and more.
It'd almost be easier to just LARP and play the system like it played me and be some unassailable gay token in some postmodernist adult daycare profession.
Does homosexuality exists? Sure. But I think it is a lot more conditioning than it is biologically concrete. No one wants to admit it and the more that bleeding edge moves culturally, the worse it's going to get keeping in mind that there is a nasty socio-cultural locking mechanism at play here aswell.
Have you written about this anywhere? Because everyone pretty much pretends that it's impossible. (sort of like nobody can detrans...)
I think a lot of it is black and white reasoning towards something that has always been culturally malleable. You take a people like the ancient Greeks, among whom had male lovers yet still had families, or people who were in the closet some decades ago yet still had 5 kids - or supposedly straight men who would hit on me out of curiousity or appreciation of my looks.
Many hazing rituals across the world are largely borderline gay, if not cross the boundaries into the very gay, yet it is compartmentalized as merely "boys being boys".
Is there a genetic component? I've heard the argument made, but there are straight people with those same genes. I hear the animal argument too, to which I counter, many of them go on to mate. These examples have no suggested permanance. I think the dichotomy is essentially an improvised trap so that those who funnel into the culture never crawl out.
Now with me, the whole thing is this: In short, was just able to turn it off.
When I was younger I was molested, I became weird and eccentric and got called "faggot" enough times to push me into the company of actual faggots and into the locus of groomer teachers, who also did shit to me. I didn't have a father to protect me from a lot of this shit and a lot of people tried to convince me of how concrete these things were so I mostly accepted it. Times progressed and people treated me better as a sort of bloomed into femboy. This was of course reinforced by pretty much everyone around me and I embraced being gay. I had a male appreciation and I liked being appreciated.
When I reached my 20's I began exploring and going places. I suppose I felt the machinations of a realization that the people around me were really dishonest about what a lot of this is, convincing you that this is good and normal and that homosexual relationships are equivocal to heterosexual relationships. Going to clubs and knowing shitty, messed up people showed me a lot of what I needed to know.
Let me tell you, every single man at any one club had fucked everyone in that club and the next, they were all on drugs. They all had serious damage. Genuine relationships are not possible and fostering my alcoholism I began to withdraw.
I didn't think much about anything in the time that I holed myself up in my apartment, but when I was seperated from the social affirmations I came to recognize that I was fucking empty, and then followed the realization, in waves, that I was driven by dopamine bumps and that my whole personality was defined by the affirmations and well wishes of others and that I lost several years of my life basically masturbating just with other people with a few extra steps (by Roman standards I am still very much a man - I was one of THOSE femboys); and that no one actually valued me. Everyone in your life is just placating your long, drawn out sugarcoated suicide for brownie points.
There came a point when something clicked into place and it was that I would never feel fulfilled. All of our ideas of what that means stems from a biological reality, there is a really fucking good reason for it I promise you.
I never really felt a desire to go back to that and began to pursue heterosexual relationships which was inconceivable to me oreviously, and I felt actual pairbonding. It isn't the same, none of it is the same - on a chemical level it's just different. It might be possible to be attracted to male hormones but I don't think I ever felt anything at all. If I got hooked on drugs, this ability to pairbond with women would have been taken away from me too.
As some years have gone by, the distance has only ever grown between myself and whatever I had that passed for friends and peers, everything between then and now has opened my eyes to a disturbing paradigm.
Society basically tried to fucking kill me off to virtue signal for the posterized highlight reel of some of the worst people on this planet. This is why I am completely without compassion towards the majority of them, they were validating and exploiting what emerged from sexual abuse; every facet of socialization, every pat on the back interconnected, interconnected with that. The people pushing this almost got away with murder, with a smile and my dignity in a paperbag. Just because. Nobody cares who gets caught up in what might aswell be a quiet genocide and with "queer culture" it is a much more lubricated pipeline. I am wholely convinced that this is calculated form of population reduction and that much of this life is still kill or be killed, it just happens to be planned on paper and thinktanks.
Interesting read, thank you for sharing a detailed perspective. I've always doubted the existence of actual gay people, knowing there is just something much more than that, so it's interesting to see the perspective of someone who has unfortunately once fell victim to their grooming. If you don't mind my curiousity, how are you now?
Aside from dealing with the functioning schizophrenia of woman like every other shmuck, I am stuck grappling with the fact that this world is insane for all of the reasons I used to giggle at and more.
It'd almost be easier to just LARP and play the system like it played me and be some unassailable gay token in some postmodernist adult daycare profession.
Does homosexuality exists? Sure. But I think it is a lot more conditioning than it is biologically concrete. No one wants to admit it and the more that bleeding edge moves culturally, the worse it's going to get keeping in mind that there is a nasty socio-cultural locking mechanism at play here aswell.