I grew up in a very nice suburb from age 4 to 26 (except one year I lived in a big city 200 miles away, it sucked), and I miss it dearly now. It's been nearly a decade since I left and I miss how familiar everything was. I knew side roads and backstreets I could use to skip traffic and shitty turns. I miss the weather being variable throughout the year instead of 1/4 blazing sun and 3/4 miserable rain and clouds. I miss thunderstorms. I miss snow. I miss being able to watch the sun set behind the mountains, and see the stars; now the terrain is too hilly and the trees too tall, making me feel like I'm trapped within them. I can barely see the stars anymore thanks to all the LED street lights. I don't need a nightlight in my bathroom anymore because the streetlight outside shines into the window so brightly, even with a curtain.

I've hurt myself by finding small flat suburban neighborhoods on google maps and scrolling through them to see what they're like, and it makes me sad that that time of my life is so far gone. WoW was my home-away-from-home for a long time while I moved around a bunch, then FFXIV, but I've long since quit both and have nowhere else to "hang out" online. Everywhere is so gay and stupid. I have a terrible great fear that I will be cursed to wander the country for the rest of my life, never knowing the peace of home again. I'm so desperate to not have to keep trying new places to live that I worry I will stop simply out of exhaustion and land somewhere that will destroy me too much to keep going.