This might apply less if your brain is less broken than mine. Like, I’ve only just realized that having had three different Facebook accounts in the last 11 or so years (starting over again each time) is considered highly unusual, to most people… As is not having a “professional” career. As is being a “loner”/not really having a friend group. As is being perpetually single in your twenties. As is not having a degree. So…
I’m well aware that I’m far from “the norm”.
But holy fuck. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so alienated from “normal society”, or so… Fucking isolated. Even compared to during lockdowns… Everyone I know is getting married, having kids, expressing the same damn opinions, and just generally… Moving on a path that I’m not sure I can follow…
I’ve tried. I’ve really, really tried, but it’s just like… When everyone around you says and thinks the same (apparently), and follows the same damn path, and then doesn’t include you in it (most hurtful thing: fucking none of them inviting me to their weddings. Not even my “best friend” growing up), it’s easy to feel like some sort of crazy freak…
Things seem to be getting more and more like this, too. Like, with how far away, collectively, society gets from its “roots”, or any sort of… Moral grounding, it’s hard not to feel like the crazy one…
I dunno. I’m spiralling. Today has been another reminder that I’m just… Probably not able to keep going, unfortunately.
But it’s hard not to already feel like I’m pushing against a giant wave of wacky bullshit that everyone else is more than happy to go along with, even if some of us drown in it along the way. 😔
I did do this two days ago. It was... Less fun, than I might have hoped. Like, I "put myself out there", but people get really weird when you go to places on your own, and you're obviously there alone, and not a tourist...
Not that I won't (probably) do the same again, when I next have time, but fundamentally, I can't tell you how awkward people behave, at least here, when they see you regularly appearing at things alone. :-/
Let me tell you a secret: It’s only awkward if you feel it being awkward. It’s like an aura or scent that comes off when people feel awkward and that makes other people feel that way, too. To break this mental pseudo-contagion, you ask questions about the other person’s interests.
Example: I literally had a stranger walk up yesterday and we went had a full 40 minute conversation on repairing boats. I know nothing about boating and told him so but kept him talking and informing about types of propellers and his recent purchases because I kept it going by being generally interested but naive. Will we talk again? Maybe not but that conversation meant the world to him and meant the world to me since I was feeling lack of human interaction.
Yeah, I had similar with a high-end car dealer (of all things), the other day... I went because it was an "open day", for 75 years of Porsche, so I assumed they would have some old cars, and the like.
Didn't quite pan out that way, for various reasons, and I'm sure it was obvious to the guy that I'm never going to be able to afford the latest 911 (not in this lifetime) that he had on display, but nonetheless, I really like cars, and car racing, so we got to talking about that, including his rallying career, and obviously I talked about the cars on display, and the Porsche brand, too...
So yes.
But then I went to a hipster bar nearby, which had a music and wine tasting event on (as part of a wider festival that is happening here, atm).
It was shit. Woke as fuck, and every in there was so far up their own arses that it felt genuinely unpleasant to be there.
I tried making conversation (about the wine, mostly, and the music. Obviously). They just... Weren't interested. And there was no real "engagement" on their part.
So I went to an art gallery opening nearby. That was... Just shit, frankly. Ugly, loud, androgynous people and shitty, degenerate art. But I tried to engage anyway. That was less alienating than the bar, I guess, but I honestly just couldn't believe the pretence of what they were passing off as "art".
So then I wandered, and ran into a young-ish, well off couple I know, who proceeded to lecture me about "what are you doing with your life, and why is it not medicine?"
And then I went home.
So believe me, I tried. But it was all a bit shit. And I do not have time (or money) to do this shit on the regular, anyway. So yeah.
Meanwhile, I'm trying to engage with old friends/people I used to know well, in the digital realm, for various reasons, and it is much, much worse. Than any of that.
As has been expressed throughout these comments.
It doesn't take much for people, even people you once knew well, to look down on you, and when they do..? Well, evidently there is only so long that they can hold that in for...
Bad, bad times.