Just that. I know that’s rather… Odd, perhaps, and overly “wholesome” of me, but I just wanted to say that I genuinely appreciated it. All of it.
I’m not used to that level of kindness, from random internet strangers (Reddit mostly isn’t, except, I’ve found, from a few more niche subs, and some of the sporting ones, oddly), or on the internet more broadly (see: Facebook).
I’m also just… Not used to people being kind (I hate that word. But it seems to be the best for the situation). People in my life… Haven’t been that. Not family. Rarely friends, for any lasting length of time. So kindness, when it comes, is… Frankly kind of disarming. Like it feels like I don’t deserve it, almost..?
Terrible, I know. I have to work on being kind to myself. Then at least I don’t have to rely on anyone else for that, I guess, lol.
Anyway, just wanted you all to know that I really appreciated it, and it meant more to me than you might… Perhaps feel it should have.
All the best, and I’ll shut up, now. I’m going to try to put my pain and… Adrenaline, I guess (rather than “hurt”, or “anger”) into heavy exercise, so that at least it goes somewhere… “Positive”, i guess, if nothing else.
Thanks again. Keep it real, and stay honest. Oh, and fuck the Great Reset/all of this Covid bullshit. Do your best to fight back, as I have, and continue to.
Hope you get through it stronger for it my guy. Let the pain burn you into abs and raw strength.
Haha cheers dude.
Oddly, my exercise for the morning is quite literally lifting, breaking and moving giant bundles of straw (and then furniture and shit, later), which is like, the most Amish, rural thing ever, but hey, it works…
I reckon the bundle I “lifted” (not directly, obviously) yesterday weighed probably 100 - 150kg, so we’re not talking pissy little bales, here, either…
Was heavier than a fucking eight-man rowing scull (probably the previous heaviest thing I have had to regularly carry… Yeah yeah, I’m one of those people, or I was, lol), and I did it on my own, so that’s something, ha…
And maybe chopping some firewood, lol. Because why the fuck not? Has to be done anyway. Though obviously have to wait until I calm down a bit for that one, for obvious, potential-severe-injury reasons, lol…
Who needs a gym when you (currently) live on a “hobby” farm, hey?
I find that those Amish exercises that are legit and way more satisfying than the gym when you are trying to burn some excess off. Gym feels great to get swole and pretty, but just raw labor brings a much more peaceful feeling.
Much easier to hurt your back (or leg/foot, or hands/arms, or eyes), though, I might add… Unfortunately.
You’ve just got to be more careful, obviously. Because uhh, the gym has failsafes and a bunch of safety features (plus the people around you, if it’s a public one), obviously.
Out in the yard, I ain’t got none of that, lol. Hence, I suppose, part of the… “Accessibility”, let’s say, and ease of appeal, to urbanites (“soft!”, lol)…
But yes, I agree completely (I’m not Amish, to clarify. I just live on an acreage, where these tasks are essentially obligatory)! It’s certainly far more satisfying, when you complete a job like that!
Quad bikes are fucking dope, though, and would save me an almost literal tonne of effort, lol. Unfortunately not in a position to afford that, right now, though…
I can’t even afford a (motor)bike, rn, let alone a workhorse like that! 😂
I've gotten far more injuries at the gym than I did in the fields over my life. Those failsafes make you feel more secure until the moment you aren't and it all comes apart.
At least outside you know its never safe, so you are usually prepared. Plus your ego isn't being tested so you aren't loading 50lbs more than you should. Though that's just my experience.
I can't believe how terrible my entire family is being about this (see previous post. But, if anything, they've actually doubled down on it, and gotten worse, in subsequent days)...
I didn't get to help pack up my grandfather's room. I didn't even get to see it. They didn't even ask, or tell, me, before they did it. I didn't get to see the photos, or the furniture, or anything. Let alone his... Body.
And now my mother is spying on me (not unusual, in my life experience). Making sure I don't "shit talk" her, or the rest of the family...
My cousin is coming over this afternoon to "collectively mourn", lecture me, and take all the family photos we have, because she is assigned to organize the funeral presentation. I offered to help. They (mother, cousin, et al.) said no... Because my cousin is the "smart, successful" one, and so she will be "better at it".
Honestly, at this point I'm actually considering skipping the funeral, and just... Leaving. Because they've had their chance. They've burned me enough. They continue to hurt me, at every given chance. Fuck them all...
If y'all see this - yeah, this is what abuse looks like, in adulthood. Trust me, burn those bridges while you can, because they never stop hurting you, and anyone else you might bring into "your circle", if you don't.
My father told me to shut the fuck up and stop being a histrionic loser, last night. My father. A day after I learned I had missed the death of my last grandfather. And my mother just said it was MY FAULT for not helping clear out the room, EVEN THOUGH I OFFERED... Two days after he died. Two days (!!). Fuck this fucking bullshit...
Jesus fucking christ on a stick (apologies). Is this what banal evil is? Because fuck me dead if this isn't morally repugnant...
I think you should go to the funeral, be respectful and polite, and then burn that bridge with napalm. You'll be much happier away from them.
Yeah, that’s kind of the plan, tbh…
I just know that the funeral will be fucking narcissist heaven, so it just… Frustrates me that I have to go through that, again.
But I’ll do it for the old man. And for his wife, who is obviously still alive…
But yeah, I agree. I just can’t believe how horrible they’re all being today, smh…
Like, it’s absolutely wild how badly everyone involved is behaving, right now. Like it’s fucking exposed all their pent-up bullshit while he was still alive, and now the rats are all turning on each other, and, naturally, on me…
I actually don’t give a hoot what is in the will. I know I won’t be in it, anyway (he wasn’t that kind of person), and besides, he had dementia for literally half a decade or so, so I can only imagine how much they… Corrupted it.
But I really, really don’t want to be here to see all that.
So you’re right. I’ll stay for that, and then… Leave. I’ll support my grandma’s claims however I can (I hadn’t mentioned this, but their relationship… Was very unhealthy. So she deserves to get all of it, whatever “it” may be, IMHO. It feels… Pretty morally repugnant that I’m gonna have to fight against my parents, about that), but I’ll do that from afar. Like, interstate or overseas. Because this is just… So bad.
I’m in a lot of emotional/mental pain, right now, dude. I actually can’t keep up with the shit they do, it’s so bad.
Sorry for sperging (again). 😔
Thoughts on the inevitable (in my experience) post-funeral snacks and/or drinks..? Essentially like a wedding reception, I guess, but without the fun…
I stayed for that last time, and it really… Made the pain and fighting worse. I think it also damaged a couple of the only relationships I cared about with that (other) side of the family, too, so…
Idk. Do you think I should just… Not go to that bit? Or I guess I can stick it out, but obviously I really don’t want to spend more time with these people than I have to… Clearly, lol.
Yeah I'd skip reception if at all possible. You're only going to pay respects to grandpa.
Apparently I’m now informed I have to meet up before the funeral to plan eulogies and ensure we aren’t “conflicting” with one another (because I’m expected to speak, apparently. Without any warning or prep time), so…
Yeah. I’ll try and assert that much, haha.
And yes, my family is literally this bad. I know, I know.
I really wish I could flip them off in the eulogy. Know I shouldn’t, but… Yeah.
It’s hard, because the old man really hurt my grandma. For decades (I’m not sure about physically. But certainly… All the other things.) I’m going to have to balance all that in whatever “speech” I give, unfortunately…
I only realised that later in life, when it became apparent why she hadn’t gone in to visit him… 😞
My family refuses to acknowledge that, unfortunately.
At this point I feel like you should have a documented presentation to match the Depp/Heard trial, make them all sit down and see how abusive they are- maybe with external company so they know even if they 'escape' they will still be ridiculed, and then make your permanent exit.
Whatever you do, good luck (you sound like you live a healthier and more fulfilling life than they'll ever understand anyway).
My cousin just said she’s going to exclude my grandmother from the main funeral photos because she’s still alive…
She actually, unironically just said that.
Laughs in Machiavellian madness…
I actually like your plan, haha. Though they would never agree, unless I forced them to, or tricked them, somehow, lol…
It’s laughable how toxic they all are. Like holy shit, dude!
Edit: My mother is also insisting on including a bunch of hymns, against what I know to be the stated wishes of my grandfather… Because of course.
I'm glad you have a place to vent here. I made sure I was hugging my grandparents ans seeing them throughout the pandemic, even if I'm the only unvaxxed person in the whole family. Stay strong, make a new "family" with like minded folk who are good people