I realise this is a slightly strange thing to ask, on a forum like this, but y'all have a general idea of my... Life experience, and background, by now, and some of you seem to have somewhat decent ideas on these sorts of things, so...
I just dropped out of my courses for this semester. It's after Census date, so I'll have to pay for them (student loans), but it was the last day to withdraw without Academic Failure, so I'll get a couple of big fat "W"'s on my transcript, but it won't tank my GPA any further. So that's something, I guess.
As for why... Look, I was fucking failing, anyway. The Uni had set us students up with the impression that we could do the courses effectively online, for the semester (which would make sense, given lockdowns in several Aus states, including the one bordering the cities my Uni is in), but that most definitely has not proved to be the case.
For the whole semester so far (9 weeks, I believe?), I've been stuck in the wrong fucking state, with shitty internet, a shitty living situation, unable to get back to my classes in person. I've had innumerate other things to deal with, including the fact that my grandfather does not remember who I am, and could well die any day, now, and yet I cannot see him because I am a fucking unvaccinated "plague rat", still...
So yeah. I "dropped out". For now. Until November.
Shit in my life, including this but also far beyond and all around it, is completely and utterly fucked. Sincerely and seriously, I am pretty much at the point of just... Ending it. So yeah.
I'm broke, unemployed, single, unfit, slightly overweight, fairly average looking (but tall, and not hideous), I have a few debts, I'm estranged from most of my friends, I'm extremely lonely, I have very little capital, and few qualifications to speak of (relatively speaking. Let's go with "for my age"). I'm horrifically depressed (anyone know what it's like to find the thought of suicide "calming"..? I've been at that point for nearly a fucking decade), terribly anxious, and probably have ADHD, amongst other things. I'm a fucking wreck. I have cripplingly low self-confidence and self-esteem (more confidence than esteem, though), so I have no trouble telling you that I am a useless piece of shit who probably deserves all the pain, humiliation and failure I have experienced in life. Though I probably don't deserve any more shit, because life has... Already punished me enough, I would have thought.
So, then... What should I do? Where should I start? Hypothetically, if I don't off myself, between now and November, what the fuck should I do?
My country is fucked, remember. Things here are really quite bad. But not where I'm currently stuck (relatively speaking), and not where the Uni is, so much, either (woo for doxxing myself, more and more)...
I genuinely don't think I'm "intellectually" stupid. I'm just an immature, unmotivated, selfish, arrogant jerk, who can't set my mind to things, and gives up far too easily. Because I'm weak. Because I... Don't care enough? I'm not sure.
But anyway, fire away (if you want)! You can go with "just lift, bruh", or "see a therapist, bruh", or "Get your T levels checked, you sound like a weak woman!", if you want, but quite honestly, I would prefer something a bit more in-depth than that.
I'm even open to hearing your religious suggestions, if you really want to go there. Not Buddhism or Islam, though. Fuck that.
Go ahead, the floor's yours. I can't imagine I'll be killing myself for AT LEAST a few more days, so you have at least that long to... Give me some sort of "goal", that I don't already have, or whatever, to try and live for, lol...
The key thing is this, it's not as bad as you think. It never is. When I was younger I also had thoughts of suicide, and the only thing holding me back was my fear of it and what my family would think about it if I made it happen. You know what I realized since then? The reason people feel suicidal is because they are overreacting to a situation, feeling pain, and making the assumption that "things will never get better than this" or "it will always be this way".
Only God knows the future, and thinking about the past or the future is a trick from Satan. So are emotions. Things "are bad" because you've believed into a lie, not because they actually are. You are judging your situation and your future, and yourself. Judging comes from anger/hatred. The hatred is not you and is not from you, just as the thoughts are not yours. Satan is trying to get you to despair and kill yourself, that is his goal.
What is the answer? You have to forgive. First your mother, and then your father. The state you find yourself in now is not the state that you were born in. You were made to be this way by your family and by other people in your life. (as they were made to be the way they are by their imperfect parents) Find a quiet place and examine yourself. Not in a neurotic way. Just relax and watch the thoughts that you have. Do not judge them as good or bad, and do not try to "clear your mind". Allow them to come and go without judgment. If you notice judgment, or you get angry, that's ok, just recognize it and let it go. What you will see eventually is that it's not you doing those things. There is a spirit within you that is causing you to feel despair, hopelessness, and rage.
It's not normal for a man to be emotional or suicidal. It's not normal to be depressed or have to "talk about your feelings". A man is supposed to be at peace. To be confident and strong, not aggressive and insecure. Do not judge yourself for not being this way since it was not your fault, but now is the time to overcome and be the real man you were supposed to be. A son of God, with Christ as your brother. He is the big brother that you look to when you feel like you will falter. God is the father that you always had within you and knew as a child. Your own father is Christ on Earth. He may be a poor example, but as a man, he is your path back to Christ and God within.
If you hate your parents (and anyone who feels the way you do certainly has hatred), then you need to go to them and forgive them for being imperfect examples. One thing I understand now that I know God is that there is nothing in this world that you need except him. Loneliness is not a thing when you have God in your life. You can let go of any worldly possession or attachment. No job, person, woman, whatever, can come close to God. Which means nothing can control you in life. The threat of the jab? Of not being able to work without it? It means nothing to me since I have God on my side. I don't have to think about it or plan for it. I just trust him and allow him to guide me in the way I need to go. The emptiness that you feel in yourself, which you try to plug with worldly things like diet, masturbation, TV, videogames, etc, is a longing for your father and your desire to reconnect with God.
And yes, you need to forgive everyone, even your enemies. Just as you cannot control yourself, they could not control themselves. The same spirit that is driving you towards destruction is what was driving them.
How do you know what you are supposed to be doing right now? Your plan was to go to University and...? Maybe the reason you aren't that into it is because you have tried to convince yourself that you need to do it. Maybe Uni is the right path for you, and maybe it's not. My point is that you don't know, but you are attempting to push yourself to go anyway. If you knew what you should be doing right now, there would be no hesitation or laziness. When you are hungry, are you capable of finding something to satisfy that hunger? Do you have hesitation or laziness then? If you could see what to do as clearly as you can see when and what you like to eat, then things would start getting done. The thing is that we don't know on our own what to do. God has a plan for each of us, but if we try to "go our own way" and fight against it, life becomes difficult.
Imagine if you couldn't figure out what to eat or when to do it. You just sat there for hours being indecisive. Doesn't that sound ridiculous? You know what you like and don't like to eat. Your body tells you when you are hungry. It's not supposed to be different for other things. You may not know exactly what you should be doing just yet, but if you have patience and wait, one day you will know what you need to do. First you must forgive though, or you will only see glimpses of the truth from time to time. You know what I'm talking about. When you see clearly what is going on, just like when you step outside and feel the warmth of the sun on your face. You don't need to question if the sun is out. You just know it. Everyone has that experience from time to time, and that is how God talks to us. Not with words, but with revelation.
I wish you the best on your journey. It takes courage to admit the truth about your situation and that you don't know how to fix it. That is the first step. Always focus on yourself. What you realize and learn about what is happening within you brings you closer to God.