This might apply less if your brain is less broken than mine. Like, I’ve only just realized that having had three different Facebook accounts in the last 11 or so years (starting over again each time) is considered highly unusual, to most people… As is not having a “professional” career. As is being a “loner”/not really having a friend group. As is being perpetually single in your twenties. As is not having a degree. So…
I’m well aware that I’m far from “the norm”.
But holy fuck. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so alienated from “normal society”, or so… Fucking isolated. Even compared to during lockdowns… Everyone I know is getting married, having kids, expressing the same damn opinions, and just generally… Moving on a path that I’m not sure I can follow…
I’ve tried. I’ve really, really tried, but it’s just like… When everyone around you says and thinks the same (apparently), and follows the same damn path, and then doesn’t include you in it (most hurtful thing: fucking none of them inviting me to their weddings. Not even my “best friend” growing up), it’s easy to feel like some sort of crazy freak…
Things seem to be getting more and more like this, too. Like, with how far away, collectively, society gets from its “roots”, or any sort of… Moral grounding, it’s hard not to feel like the crazy one…
I dunno. I’m spiralling. Today has been another reminder that I’m just… Probably not able to keep going, unfortunately.
But it’s hard not to already feel like I’m pushing against a giant wave of wacky bullshit that everyone else is more than happy to go along with, even if some of us drown in it along the way. 😔
Pfft, that's nothing, I couldn't even gel with kids my own age after a certain point, some of them were really into Nintendo 64 and that's what we did when I was younger and it was fun, classic days of playing Mario Kart 64 as a group, even the girls got involved.
However when schools changed and we weren't hanging out as friends that all went away and I realised this wasn't the norm more and more because the people I did talk to were all into generic pop music and listening to BBC radio constantly among other things which bored the fuck out of me.
The worse part is like other people have noticed, if you 'don't' take part in this culture, depending on how they are they'll almost act like they're offended by it or amazed and don't understand how you could live without it. Forget all the more complex stuff it's simple things like I have a radio and television in my house and they can't comprehend it. I had to explain this once to my martial arts teachers who sort of got it because they'd known me for that long and knew how weird I was anyway lol. Can explain all the programming and 3D knowledge I have but then it would take hours.
It makes me realise when I'm more comfortable chatting to ex-military and programming autists why I get along with those types more than the normies. I'm not so bad that I can't hold a conversation or anything, I'm not actually on the autism spectrum and nothing was spotted even though it wouldn't surprise me but they have no fucking clue what I do day-to-day and it confuses the hell out of them. They expect a 5 seconds explanation like "I work in retail" when I just can't because my life's more complicated than that.
This is exactly why I advocate building our own shit and getting even more invested into the weaponised autism rather than attempting to fit in with people who will let's be real would probably stab us in the back anyway if the media told them to.
I'll never forget how early in the covid scare, imp was arguing that it was impossible to live without Amazon.
Based on my experience, normal is a common set of experiences and an IQ below 120. If you don't have one of those, you are weird. For some reason people don't look beyond the 120 mark for explanations in personality and just ascribe it to autism or something.
I think I pretty much had a breakdown today… Yesterday was the sad, then the extreme frustration, today I’ve been taking out my anger and hurt by starting some extreme, rapid spring cleaning, lol…
Because if I can’t control anything else, at least I can control that…
I’m pretty much done. With everything. So at least cleaning… Leaves things back at square one.
Fuck everything else, basically.