Thanks man. I hate to get all "metaphorical", but for me, it's like someone drowning in quicksand...
Like, I try to struggle, to fight, to "do better". But then something else terrible happens, and it makes the struggle so much harder.
The false allegations. The death of my grandmother. Getting sick. Getting "let go". Getting injured (enough to spend an entire night in hospital) while doing fieldwork... And then getting refused my prescribed pain medication, at the pharmacy, after all that, because Australia is a fucking joke of a country..
I'm scrambling. Trying to stay afloat. Trying to keep my head above the surface. But for how long? How much more can I take..?
I am very barely holding on. I keep working and working, but the list of obligatory bullshit just to survive doesn't get any shorter.
I can't remember the last time I was truly happy. I can't remember the last time I relaxed. I can't remember the last time someone truly seemed to enjoy my company, for any length of time...
So... While I completely understand the parents thing (believe me), and I would love to "find God", I just... Life is hard, and it keeps getting harder.
For me, there's... Only so much more shit I can handle. I think anyone would struggle with some of this stuff, but when you... Don't have a lot "going for you", it becomes nearly insurmountable.
Sad, of course, but I just... Everyone has their limits. :-/
In the end, I think I’m just not really cut out for the “realities” of modern adult life…
Maybe that’s because I was the “forgotten child”, like you were.
Maybe I’m weak. Maybe I’m still just “too immature”. But I have to be honest man, I just can’t do it…
I don’t think I’m intellectually “stupid”.
I probably have ADHD, among other things. Maybe I’m not as “emotionally intelligent” as I could be.
But I just can’t do this…
In another life, I could have been a good soldier, or like, maybe a pilot or a train driver. Something “simple”, and routine, and kind of… Generic.
Not because I necessarily wanted to do that sort of “grunt work”, but because it is increasingly seeming like my brain can’t do the other stuff…
Or like fuck, maybe I could’ve been a tour guide or something. Or a museum curator.
If we still lived in a world where those things paid a livable wage, and didn’t require extensive study anyway, maybe I still would go that way…
But regardless, that’s never been a path I could pursue.
I just… Can’t. So, much though I hate academia, and suck terribly at it, I’m still going and going and going, because I need that fucking piece of paper… 😑
Like I said to my lecturers, though: if it was just Uni - like, you just do the work, and go to class, and everything else worked around that - ok, I could manage. But it’s not like that now. Not here. You have to work part time, and find somewhere to live which you can afford, and hustle for internships, and manage extracurricular stuff, and play the bullshit game with admin (see again: false accusation).
On top of the study, and everything happening in my life, I just…
It’s all just too much.
For me, anyway. Some people seem to manage most of that. But not me…
It's one of the things that we have lost over the years as our education changed from the vocational to the school.
In ye olden times the blacksmith son learned to be a blacksmith, or of he wasn't cur out for it he might be taken to the baker to become his apprentice. Point being children were given purpose and something to work towards.
However at our current state everything is missing. You aren't given purpose as a child and instead dumped into a school that will generally teach you stuff that you most likely will never use.
You aren't given goals in life since women are ever more entitled and protected by the state. We live in a time where we have no direction and no carrot on a stick. Some people thrive in these environment, some of us however just aren't cut out for it and are falling through the cracks. Even worse when teachers and academia in general becomes what it is now
Yeah. I feel like I am. But I’ve kind of just… Never found my way.I’ve been in “existential crisis” mode for years, lol. Long before “Covid”…
I’m sure a lot of other people are also experiencing that, now, though, unfortunately…
Thanks man. I hate to get all "metaphorical", but for me, it's like someone drowning in quicksand...
Like, I try to struggle, to fight, to "do better". But then something else terrible happens, and it makes the struggle so much harder.
The false allegations. The death of my grandmother. Getting sick. Getting "let go". Getting injured (enough to spend an entire night in hospital) while doing fieldwork... And then getting refused my prescribed pain medication, at the pharmacy, after all that, because Australia is a fucking joke of a country..
I'm scrambling. Trying to stay afloat. Trying to keep my head above the surface. But for how long? How much more can I take..?
I am very barely holding on. I keep working and working, but the list of obligatory bullshit just to survive doesn't get any shorter.
I can't remember the last time I was truly happy. I can't remember the last time I relaxed. I can't remember the last time someone truly seemed to enjoy my company, for any length of time...
So... While I completely understand the parents thing (believe me), and I would love to "find God", I just... Life is hard, and it keeps getting harder.
For me, there's... Only so much more shit I can handle. I think anyone would struggle with some of this stuff, but when you... Don't have a lot "going for you", it becomes nearly insurmountable.
Sad, of course, but I just... Everyone has their limits. :-/
In the end, I think I’m just not really cut out for the “realities” of modern adult life…
Maybe that’s because I was the “forgotten child”, like you were.
Maybe I’m weak. Maybe I’m still just “too immature”. But I have to be honest man, I just can’t do it…
I don’t think I’m intellectually “stupid”.
I probably have ADHD, among other things. Maybe I’m not as “emotionally intelligent” as I could be.
But I just can’t do this…
In another life, I could have been a good soldier, or like, maybe a pilot or a train driver. Something “simple”, and routine, and kind of… Generic.
Not because I necessarily wanted to do that sort of “grunt work”, but because it is increasingly seeming like my brain can’t do the other stuff…
Or like fuck, maybe I could’ve been a tour guide or something. Or a museum curator.
If we still lived in a world where those things paid a livable wage, and didn’t require extensive study anyway, maybe I still would go that way…
But regardless, that’s never been a path I could pursue.
I just… Can’t. So, much though I hate academia, and suck terribly at it, I’m still going and going and going, because I need that fucking piece of paper… 😑
Like I said to my lecturers, though: if it was just Uni - like, you just do the work, and go to class, and everything else worked around that - ok, I could manage. But it’s not like that now. Not here. You have to work part time, and find somewhere to live which you can afford, and hustle for internships, and manage extracurricular stuff, and play the bullshit game with admin (see again: false accusation).
On top of the study, and everything happening in my life, I just…
It’s all just too much.
For me, anyway. Some people seem to manage most of that. But not me…
Oh well.
It's one of the things that we have lost over the years as our education changed from the vocational to the school.
In ye olden times the blacksmith son learned to be a blacksmith, or of he wasn't cur out for it he might be taken to the baker to become his apprentice. Point being children were given purpose and something to work towards.
However at our current state everything is missing. You aren't given purpose as a child and instead dumped into a school that will generally teach you stuff that you most likely will never use.
You aren't given goals in life since women are ever more entitled and protected by the state. We live in a time where we have no direction and no carrot on a stick. Some people thrive in these environment, some of us however just aren't cut out for it and are falling through the cracks. Even worse when teachers and academia in general becomes what it is now
Yep to all that.
On the blacksmith’s son thing, though:
My extended family still gives me shit for not doing medicine, like they all did…
So I guess, in that sense, it still applies, lol.
Though I was clearly never mentally well enough for that path to suit me.
But hell, I guess it might have worked out better than how all this ended up going.
I honestly doubt it, though.
I was just never that sort of person.
I don’t know why. Just not.
And now… Well now I’m just broken.
Unlike my HS classmates, “the path” totally failed, for me.
Again, I don’t know why. It just did.
There’s lessons to be learned from my life, if it does inevitably end prematurely.
Unfortunately I’m not sure anyone will take them on board, though.
But yeah, life is just… Well, some people just don’t make it. Let’s go with that.