And it doesn’t even mention suicides/“deaths by despair”…
I can think of at least two, in the last fortnight. But naturally we can’t report that…
My own grandmother’s diabetes management slipped during Covid. She stopped caring so much (couldn’t get to the GP anyway), her health declined, and then she “died suddenly” two weeks ago…
How “surprising”…
For me, I’m barely hanging on. Barely. I don’t really feel alive. I’m just going through the motions.
But yet, obligations don’t stop. Deadlines don’t go away. So I keep running like the hamster in the wheel…
For how long, though. That is the question. How much longer do I keep at it. How much longer can I keep at it.
Thanks man. I hate to get all "metaphorical", but for me, it's like someone drowning in quicksand...
Like, I try to struggle, to fight, to "do better". But then something else terrible happens, and it makes the struggle so much harder.
The false allegations. The death of my grandmother. Getting sick. Getting "let go". Getting injured (enough to spend an entire night in hospital) while doing fieldwork... And then getting refused my prescribed pain medication, at the pharmacy, after all that, because Australia is a fucking joke of a country..
I'm scrambling. Trying to stay afloat. Trying to keep my head above the surface. But for how long? How much more can I take..?
I am very barely holding on. I keep working and working, but the list of obligatory bullshit just to survive doesn't get any shorter.
I can't remember the last time I was truly happy. I can't remember the last time I relaxed. I can't remember the last time someone truly seemed to enjoy my company, for any length of time...
So... While I completely understand the parents thing (believe me), and I would love to "find God", I just... Life is hard, and it keeps getting harder.
For me, there's... Only so much more shit I can handle. I think anyone would struggle with some of this stuff, but when you... Don't have a lot "going for you", it becomes nearly insurmountable.
Sad, of course, but I just... Everyone has their limits. :-/
In the end, I think I’m just not really cut out for the “realities” of modern adult life…
Maybe that’s because I was the “forgotten child”, like you were.
Maybe I’m weak. Maybe I’m still just “too immature”. But I have to be honest man, I just can’t do it…
I don’t think I’m intellectually “stupid”.
I probably have ADHD, among other things. Maybe I’m not as “emotionally intelligent” as I could be.
But I just can’t do this…
In another life, I could have been a good soldier, or like, maybe a pilot or a train driver. Something “simple”, and routine, and kind of… Generic.
Not because I necessarily wanted to do that sort of “grunt work”, but because it is increasingly seeming like my brain can’t do the other stuff…
Or like fuck, maybe I could’ve been a tour guide or something. Or a museum curator.
If we still lived in a world where those things paid a livable wage, and didn’t require extensive study anyway, maybe I still would go that way…
But regardless, that’s never been a path I could pursue.
I just… Can’t. So, much though I hate academia, and suck terribly at it, I’m still going and going and going, because I need that fucking piece of paper… 😑
Like I said to my lecturers, though: if it was just Uni - like, you just do the work, and go to class, and everything else worked around that - ok, I could manage. But it’s not like that now. Not here. You have to work part time, and find somewhere to live which you can afford, and hustle for internships, and manage extracurricular stuff, and play the bullshit game with admin (see again: false accusation).
On top of the study, and everything happening in my life, I just…
It’s all just too much.
For me, anyway. Some people seem to manage most of that. But not me…
As someone who lived through all that… Yup.
And it doesn’t even mention suicides/“deaths by despair”…
I can think of at least two, in the last fortnight. But naturally we can’t report that…
My own grandmother’s diabetes management slipped during Covid. She stopped caring so much (couldn’t get to the GP anyway), her health declined, and then she “died suddenly” two weeks ago…
How “surprising”…
For me, I’m barely hanging on. Barely. I don’t really feel alive. I’m just going through the motions.
But yet, obligations don’t stop. Deadlines don’t go away. So I keep running like the hamster in the wheel…
For how long, though. That is the question. How much longer do I keep at it. How much longer can I keep at it.
I don’t think I’m alone in that.
Yeah. I feel like I am. But I’ve kind of just… Never found my way.I’ve been in “existential crisis” mode for years, lol. Long before “Covid”…
I’m sure a lot of other people are also experiencing that, now, though, unfortunately…
Thanks man. I hate to get all "metaphorical", but for me, it's like someone drowning in quicksand...
Like, I try to struggle, to fight, to "do better". But then something else terrible happens, and it makes the struggle so much harder.
The false allegations. The death of my grandmother. Getting sick. Getting "let go". Getting injured (enough to spend an entire night in hospital) while doing fieldwork... And then getting refused my prescribed pain medication, at the pharmacy, after all that, because Australia is a fucking joke of a country..
I'm scrambling. Trying to stay afloat. Trying to keep my head above the surface. But for how long? How much more can I take..?
I am very barely holding on. I keep working and working, but the list of obligatory bullshit just to survive doesn't get any shorter.
I can't remember the last time I was truly happy. I can't remember the last time I relaxed. I can't remember the last time someone truly seemed to enjoy my company, for any length of time...
So... While I completely understand the parents thing (believe me), and I would love to "find God", I just... Life is hard, and it keeps getting harder.
For me, there's... Only so much more shit I can handle. I think anyone would struggle with some of this stuff, but when you... Don't have a lot "going for you", it becomes nearly insurmountable.
Sad, of course, but I just... Everyone has their limits. :-/
In the end, I think I’m just not really cut out for the “realities” of modern adult life…
Maybe that’s because I was the “forgotten child”, like you were.
Maybe I’m weak. Maybe I’m still just “too immature”. But I have to be honest man, I just can’t do it…
I don’t think I’m intellectually “stupid”.
I probably have ADHD, among other things. Maybe I’m not as “emotionally intelligent” as I could be.
But I just can’t do this…
In another life, I could have been a good soldier, or like, maybe a pilot or a train driver. Something “simple”, and routine, and kind of… Generic.
Not because I necessarily wanted to do that sort of “grunt work”, but because it is increasingly seeming like my brain can’t do the other stuff…
Or like fuck, maybe I could’ve been a tour guide or something. Or a museum curator.
If we still lived in a world where those things paid a livable wage, and didn’t require extensive study anyway, maybe I still would go that way…
But regardless, that’s never been a path I could pursue.
I just… Can’t. So, much though I hate academia, and suck terribly at it, I’m still going and going and going, because I need that fucking piece of paper… 😑
Like I said to my lecturers, though: if it was just Uni - like, you just do the work, and go to class, and everything else worked around that - ok, I could manage. But it’s not like that now. Not here. You have to work part time, and find somewhere to live which you can afford, and hustle for internships, and manage extracurricular stuff, and play the bullshit game with admin (see again: false accusation).
On top of the study, and everything happening in my life, I just…
It’s all just too much.
For me, anyway. Some people seem to manage most of that. But not me…
Oh well.