This posted? I didn't hit post. Here's the text.
The world's wealthiest and arguably loudest man has been conspicuously quiet lately. Against my better judgement, I checked Elon's Twitter account, unblocked him, and what I found gave me so much life. Hopefully it will brighten your day too.
Elon Musk is broken. It's no secret the man always oozed big divorced dad energy, but the picture emerging from his recent social activity is that of a shattered loser trying to piece together how it all went wrong.
Elon spent the last few days sharing AI slop images of his likeness holding a fake police badge inscribed, 'Dogefather', which he's posting on a daily basis. His content is so shite even his bots can't generate engagement anymore. There's multiple posts about "humanity's birthrate collapsing", which Elon is personally trying to solve by sending DMs to scores of random Instagram models offering to breed them. Apparently, his new plan is to impregnate 5,000 women. So far, no takers who weren't already on payroll.
As he eyes the exits from his brief tenure as a make-believe White House staffer, he's still trying to sell the image of DOGE's success and protect his legacy. However, his bounce from Trump's lap one full month prior to his expected departure betrays urgency and desperation—for both men.
The math isn't on his side, and he knows it. Elon claims DOGE has saved roughly $150 billion. Pay attention to that number. Journalists and independent auditors have evaluated DOGE's claims and found that the real figure is likely much lower, maybe a small fraction. A separate analysis concluded that DOGE's reckless cuts won't save money at all, but will actually cost taxpayers $130 billion in 2025.
We don't know the final details yet, but it's clear the whole thing was a wash. What we do know is that Trump's first 100 days resulted in $200 billion more in spending compared to the same period last year. What isn't in dispute is the impact on Elon's personal bottom line: $150 billion happens to be the exact amount Elon Musk has so far lost this year. The ketamine-fueled Afrikaner who waved his toy chainsaw around to chop bureaucracy down to size managed only to halve his own net worth, obliterate a global brand, and make himself the fall guy for the most unpopular presidency in modern history.
Trump remarked Elon has to "get back to his cars", thanked him for "sacrificing a lot" and showed him the door, after which he promptly posted a now widely circulated photo of his cabinet meeting, sans Elon. Rebrand launched.
This is the way it ends / Not with a bang nor a whimper/ But a plastic kazoo (made in China).
[Editor's note: 40 minutes after this post went up, Wall Street Journal broke an exclusive that Tesla's board is looking to replace Elon Musk as CEO.]
Link to attempted archive. This guy is writing this to promote himself.
This posted? I didn't hit post. I will be deleting this soon.