Here’s to a better year.
Surely they can’t push Covid for much longer, right??
Anyway, I’ve been struggling a lot this week, tbh.
New Year’s Eve was ok, even if not how I planned it (I almost had a better night, but… Effed it up, lol). Unfortunately the days before and since… Haven’t really been. But New Year’s Day is generally shit, I guess, so I’m used to that.
Anyhoo, hope yours was good, and that this year brings you some good things.
I’m just taking it day by day, myself. If I even make it to 2024, that would be a bit of a “miracle”, at this point. So I guess there’s that.
Peace.
Cheers for that mate. Happy New Year to you, too!
And yeah, let's hope so. I hope this is the rock bottom to end all "rock bottoms", because I can't go on like this...
It's a bit like that stupid pink square meme. I've cut myself off from feeling anything much for so long, that when I allow myself out there again, and see everything I've avoided..?
It's so much worse, lol.
But it clearly isn't possible to go on like I have. I fully admit that now.
There are no "hand ups" (though not a single "friend" messaging me during Covid lockdowns still hit harder than I expected. Not a single one), and in general, mistakes are not easily forgiven or forgotten. So I guess you just have to... Pull yourself up, and attempt to forgive yourself, because most other people won't, and even if they do, they'll never take you seriously again.
Sorry, that got rather dark, ha.
I just realized a few commonalities between the people who make me feel like shit (both in person and on social media) and the people who do not…
Apparently one thing the first group has in common is that they almost all relate back to one geographical place…
It’s why I left. Clearly I haven’t overcome that.
They’re also almost all degree-educated or beyond.
But the people I met at Uni (deliberately far away) and/or while travelling mostly don’t make me feel like this.
There’s something in that. It’s not the fault of the people involved, necessarily, but I guess it does show… Who can stay and who can go, if I’m even going to “survive” this period of my life…
You know how people in some towns tend to stay and get married and have kids - stereotypical shit?
Imagine that but also with (too much) money and PhDs and fucking house deposits and shit. It’s… Well I guess it’s just not me.
It’s time I accepted that, I guess.
Yeah, I’m… In a worse place than I’ve ever been, right now.
I think what my greatest mistake is, now (fucking up Uni, then dropping out later), so I guess, when it comes down to it, it’s a question of whether I can rectify that, and sort of… Catch up. Because right now it doesn’t really feel like I can.
My inability to just get the fucking thing done, without having external and internal shit get in the way, has so thoroughly fucked up my life that it just… Doesn’t really feel like a turnaround is particularly possible at this point…
I’m staring down the possibility that my Uni won’t let me back (to my degree), in March. I’m not sure what I’ll do, then. I’ve already faced this once, elsewhere. The trauma from that shit still hasn’t gone away…
Anyway, I feel you on some of that stuff. I’ve never known exactly what is wrong with me (the depression and anxiety is obvious), but I have, at least, read up on BPD enough to know that some of my shit is probably adjacent to some of those symptoms…
Who knows, really.
But yeah, I’m so far behind now, and just so… Broken, that I just don’t think I can turn this around.
You’re right about the 8 billion people though. Unfortunately “allowing” myself back on Instagram reminded me of… I guess the couple of hundred that I had tried not to think about, and how much more successful their lives have been than mine (in myriad ways)…
I did try avoiding this shit for like… 18 months. Actually didn’t seem to help either. But maybe numbed the pain a little
So I guess I just have to push on through, and not let the, frankly, social media bullshit, get to me…
Eh, anyway, cheers for the chat. :)
Best of luck with everything!
I neglected to say: I’m genuinely sorry you’ve been through all that. It sounds (and from experience of a lot of it, is) absolutely awful…
I got so caught up in my own shit, I didn’t even say that. I’m sorry.
I’ve been passively suicidal for more than a decade. A suicide attempt (or what the college thought was one) is what got me kicked out of Uni the first time, and into probably the most traumatic time of my life…
I’ve never recovered from that, frankly (the consequences were much worse than anything prior to the “attempt”, so they actually made it so much worse). I’m not sure I ever will.
But anyway, I get it, and I’m truly sorry for what you’ve gone through.
On the status anxiety thing, too: yeah, one of the few times I actually feel “comfortable” is in environments where I know no-one, am sure I know no-one, and know that no one cares about “degree or marital status”…
Which is becoming incredibly limited, now. It’s basically backpackers, and like, working class pubs…
I do think moving back to my hometown/the place I grew up was a mistake, though.
Everyone here has taken a very different path to what I managed. There really isn’t anyone left who I grew up with, who fucked up like I did.
So… Getting out of here, and cutting social media, is probably the only way to survive.
Oddly, a couple of my cousins have had similar “realizations”, which suggests there must be something familial at play, here, too…
But I’m not going to “blame” my upbringing, anymore. Nor genetics. This is on me, and my fucked-up brain. Looking to externalize that won’t get me anywhere.
Cheers again, and good luck! :)
Wiew, this hit home more than you may have realized…
Whenever and however I manage to get to the point of seeing a psych, I clearly need to discuss this possibility…
There is definitely something wrong with my brain. I guess I have only just begun to admit to myself quite how severe it may be…
To give an example of the “oddness”: the reason, largely, for failing Uni, is that I can’t seem to get through writing a paper…
Either I will put it off, or I won’t prioritize it, or I’ll find some excuse not to do it. Or, on occasion, I’ll obsess over the “perfectionism” of it, and won’t be satisfied enough to hand it in…
I failed the same subject twice, that way.
In fact, it’s so bad that the only time I can clearly recall doing all the tasks for a subject, at least in recent years, was when we did the whole project during class time, and like, could get it all done, “then and there”, even if it meant staying all day…
Really fucking weird. And yet, I do so well in exams that I generally scrape through with good enough marks to make up for the big fat “zero” on the assignment component, at least most of the time (where possible)…
Crazy. I know this is crazy, but that’s the reality. So… Yeah.
Whatever undiagnosed “condition” I have, it is pretty effed.
I match a lot of those criteria you mentioned, but yeah, clearly I don’t have a diagnosis yet.
The whole “I can’t function so I’m just not even going to try” thing seems to have gotten worse over the years, so whatever it is I’m doing, it ain’t working…
Remember I have MS, now, too, which, while probably not as severe as I might have initially feared (yet), may of course be a compounding factor (apparently it affects brain function, which is just what I need, lol)…
Anyway, cheers mate. Best of luck with the struggle. :)
At least I can say that I’m trying, I guess, ha.
On the bright side, I just saw the Jonathan Isaac thing (hasn’t played an NBA game, or trained, in eight years)…
I guess that gives me some degree of hope, lol.
But yeah, shit’s bleak.
Shit can get bleaker (the Uni thing), but… I hope it doesn’t.