You only have access to your most authentic self during sexual fantasies, because it's the only time that you dissociate from your body (and your life) hard enough to give yourself permission to be a real person. The rest of the time, you're hiding behind so many masks that you can't even tell which parts of yourself are real and which parts are ingrained habits of self-erasure you developed to avoid shame.

You deserve to be happy. Deliriously, disgustingly, self-indulgently happy. Say it. Look in the mirror and say it. Give your deep authentic self her own name, look at her in the mirror, and tell her that she deserves to be happy. Out loud. Dress her up the best you can, look at her from a distance in soft lighting. Keep changing the conditions until you can actually see her in the mirror and then tell her that she truly does deserve to be happy. Keep saying it until you actually believe it. Then give yourself permission to follow your bliss, wherever it takes you, no matter what. And no matter how weird it gets.

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