Here’s to a better year.
Surely they can’t push Covid for much longer, right??
Anyway, I’ve been struggling a lot this week, tbh.
New Year’s Eve was ok, even if not how I planned it (I almost had a better night, but… Effed it up, lol). Unfortunately the days before and since… Haven’t really been. But New Year’s Day is generally shit, I guess, so I’m used to that.
Anyhoo, hope yours was good, and that this year brings you some good things.
I’m just taking it day by day, myself. If I even make it to 2024, that would be a bit of a “miracle”, at this point. So I guess there’s that.
Peace.
I neglected to say: I’m genuinely sorry you’ve been through all that. It sounds (and from experience of a lot of it, is) absolutely awful…
I got so caught up in my own shit, I didn’t even say that. I’m sorry.
I’ve been passively suicidal for more than a decade. A suicide attempt (or what the college thought was one) is what got me kicked out of Uni the first time, and into probably the most traumatic time of my life…
I’ve never recovered from that, frankly (the consequences were much worse than anything prior to the “attempt”, so they actually made it so much worse). I’m not sure I ever will.
But anyway, I get it, and I’m truly sorry for what you’ve gone through.
On the status anxiety thing, too: yeah, one of the few times I actually feel “comfortable” is in environments where I know no-one, am sure I know no-one, and know that no one cares about “degree or marital status”…
Which is becoming incredibly limited, now. It’s basically backpackers, and like, working class pubs…
I do think moving back to my hometown/the place I grew up was a mistake, though.
Everyone here has taken a very different path to what I managed. There really isn’t anyone left who I grew up with, who fucked up like I did.
So… Getting out of here, and cutting social media, is probably the only way to survive.
Oddly, a couple of my cousins have had similar “realizations”, which suggests there must be something familial at play, here, too…
But I’m not going to “blame” my upbringing, anymore. Nor genetics. This is on me, and my fucked-up brain. Looking to externalize that won’t get me anywhere.
Cheers again, and good luck! :)
Wiew, this hit home more than you may have realized…
Whenever and however I manage to get to the point of seeing a psych, I clearly need to discuss this possibility…
There is definitely something wrong with my brain. I guess I have only just begun to admit to myself quite how severe it may be…
To give an example of the “oddness”: the reason, largely, for failing Uni, is that I can’t seem to get through writing a paper…
Either I will put it off, or I won’t prioritize it, or I’ll find some excuse not to do it. Or, on occasion, I’ll obsess over the “perfectionism” of it, and won’t be satisfied enough to hand it in…
I failed the same subject twice, that way.
In fact, it’s so bad that the only time I can clearly recall doing all the tasks for a subject, at least in recent years, was when we did the whole project during class time, and like, could get it all done, “then and there”, even if it meant staying all day…
Really fucking weird. And yet, I do so well in exams that I generally scrape through with good enough marks to make up for the big fat “zero” on the assignment component, at least most of the time (where possible)…
Crazy. I know this is crazy, but that’s the reality. So… Yeah.
Whatever undiagnosed “condition” I have, it is pretty effed.
I match a lot of those criteria you mentioned, but yeah, clearly I don’t have a diagnosis yet.
The whole “I can’t function so I’m just not even going to try” thing seems to have gotten worse over the years, so whatever it is I’m doing, it ain’t working…
Remember I have MS, now, too, which, while probably not as severe as I might have initially feared (yet), may of course be a compounding factor (apparently it affects brain function, which is just what I need, lol)…
Anyway, cheers mate. Best of luck with the struggle. :)
At least I can say that I’m trying, I guess, ha.