I think the problem is in treating women like they have the same agency as we have when, in reality, their actions are simply in response to their social groups' cues.

You can see this on both sides. The most vocal (shrill) advocates against mandates, for example, are women. They see their ingroup saying something and they embrace it wholeheartedly, even if they don't understand it.

We should definitely be having kids, we just shouldn't be treating women as equal partners.

I like to conceptualize the married relationship as a General/XO relationship. The XO is in charge of a lot of logistics: keeping people fed and equipped, scheduling, maintenance etc. But it's all in service of the General; if he says that you're undoing a days work because the tactical situation has changed, she does it. The General makes and executes the plan which keeps everyone alive and acheives their goals, the XO supports this and gives advice, but never orders.

I don't know any women who are or would be happy in the General's shoes. They don't want to plan things out or make changes, they want to setup comfortably and stay put. Look at any single Mom, perfectly happy to live 20 years in one place on someone else's dime. That's fine if they're serving a husband who's planning ahead, not so great if they're spongeing of the government who couldn't give a flying fuck if they live or die.