I realise this is a slightly strange thing to ask, on a forum like this, but y'all have a general idea of my... Life experience, and background, by now, and some of you seem to have somewhat decent ideas on these sorts of things, so...
I just dropped out of my courses for this semester. It's after Census date, so I'll have to pay for them (student loans), but it was the last day to withdraw without Academic Failure, so I'll get a couple of big fat "W"'s on my transcript, but it won't tank my GPA any further. So that's something, I guess.
As for why... Look, I was fucking failing, anyway. The Uni had set us students up with the impression that we could do the courses effectively online, for the semester (which would make sense, given lockdowns in several Aus states, including the one bordering the cities my Uni is in), but that most definitely has not proved to be the case.
For the whole semester so far (9 weeks, I believe?), I've been stuck in the wrong fucking state, with shitty internet, a shitty living situation, unable to get back to my classes in person. I've had innumerate other things to deal with, including the fact that my grandfather does not remember who I am, and could well die any day, now, and yet I cannot see him because I am a fucking unvaccinated "plague rat", still...
So yeah. I "dropped out". For now. Until November.
Shit in my life, including this but also far beyond and all around it, is completely and utterly fucked. Sincerely and seriously, I am pretty much at the point of just... Ending it. So yeah.
I'm broke, unemployed, single, unfit, slightly overweight, fairly average looking (but tall, and not hideous), I have a few debts, I'm estranged from most of my friends, I'm extremely lonely, I have very little capital, and few qualifications to speak of (relatively speaking. Let's go with "for my age"). I'm horrifically depressed (anyone know what it's like to find the thought of suicide "calming"..? I've been at that point for nearly a fucking decade), terribly anxious, and probably have ADHD, amongst other things. I'm a fucking wreck. I have cripplingly low self-confidence and self-esteem (more confidence than esteem, though), so I have no trouble telling you that I am a useless piece of shit who probably deserves all the pain, humiliation and failure I have experienced in life. Though I probably don't deserve any more shit, because life has... Already punished me enough, I would have thought.
So, then... What should I do? Where should I start? Hypothetically, if I don't off myself, between now and November, what the fuck should I do?
My country is fucked, remember. Things here are really quite bad. But not where I'm currently stuck (relatively speaking), and not where the Uni is, so much, either (woo for doxxing myself, more and more)...
I genuinely don't think I'm "intellectually" stupid. I'm just an immature, unmotivated, selfish, arrogant jerk, who can't set my mind to things, and gives up far too easily. Because I'm weak. Because I... Don't care enough? I'm not sure.
But anyway, fire away (if you want)! You can go with "just lift, bruh", or "see a therapist, bruh", or "Get your T levels checked, you sound like a weak woman!", if you want, but quite honestly, I would prefer something a bit more in-depth than that.
I'm even open to hearing your religious suggestions, if you really want to go there. Not Buddhism or Islam, though. Fuck that.
Go ahead, the floor's yours. I can't imagine I'll be killing myself for AT LEAST a few more days, so you have at least that long to... Give me some sort of "goal", that I don't already have, or whatever, to try and live for, lol...
I've been down that road of dropping classes in college. More than once. A lot more than once. I did eventually finish, but I also learned college was not for me. I also relate to a lot of your anxiety things, perhaps ADHD, self-confidence, etc. In a lot of ways that stuff went away on it's own once I got my life settled. I don't think it was necessarily rooted in mental issues that I needed a therapist to give me drugs and tell me I'm really a different gender, but because I wasn't proud of myself and my life. If I am not personally happy with my own accomplishments, how can I present to others a positive image? I can't really, I'm not that good of a faker.
My advice, first, quit worrying about stuff that's in the past. I get that maybe some of it is difficult to get beyond, but there's plenty of easy shit we can throw out. So you bombed school this term? Great, who cares. It's done and makes no difference now. Second, and probably most important, I think it's time to find yourself a marketable skill so you can add some value and independence to yourself. You don't generally get those things from a university. I'd focus that effort on a trade school or apprenticeship. If you are willing to pay someone for a service, see about learning it for yourself. There has to be something like that you are interested in. Maybe it becomes your long time job, maybe it doesn't. I started as a field tech for an electrician outfit when I was 19. I didn't know where I was going with it when I started. My work now is only semi-related, but I did that for 8 years, paid for college myself working into my schedule as best I could. I use all the little skills I picked up in that job to this day. Social skills, problem solving, dealing with difficult people, working with my hands/tools, etc. I all picked up way more in that work than I ever did at college.
To your other post, remember whatever some people did to you or whatever, that's also in the past. If you want vengeance, beat them by being successful. Move on to the point that you look down on them and laugh at how pathetic they are.
I'm sure some of this might be hampered by the situation in Australia, but the point is find something you can work towards despite the situation. Others won't like this comment, but don't be afraid to give in on something if you need to. If it's a mask or having to scan your phone or whatever. Draw your line in the sand you won't cross. Everything up to that point is a tool in the toolbox.
Thanks for the reply! I can sleep easy tonight knowing that even though I started the day at "worthless fucking retard," I managed to add value to myself today. I stole a precious few minutes from an internet troll's cats that they instead spent reading and responding to my comment.