Happy birthday Mario fweep! What do we have planned for your 35th anniversary? Pure fucking cringe, of course:

• A NES on a chip crammed into a Game and Watch shell. We're getting into the handheld Famiclone marker 5 years after Chinese bootleggers! Here, enjoy two whole games and a watch. Get it before the scalpers do!

• An RC car with a camera. It's not like you can buy similar kits off Amazon, and get a toy that can actually fly, buy a glorified McDonalds figure with subpar gameplay.

• New All Stars! Does that mean we get graphical updates to classic 3d mario games? Nope, enjoy Mario 64 in all its low poly glory stretched across huge modern TV screens! Remastering one of the best selling games would mean we actually give a shit about the quality of our products!

• Tetris 99 but it's original SMB. Are you sick of this classic yet? Enjoy being creamed by sweaty neckbeards who've played this game since the original release.

• A port of the game that is barely 10 years old. So how are we going to implement Wii U pad gameplay features when the touchscreen is docked in the cradle? Crickets Also, a B side game with no gameplay shots.

Mel Brooks jazz hands MOICHANDIZING!!!!

Get your Super Mario branded sneakers, sweats, Air Fresheners, Tanuki tail buttplugs, anything but actual fucking games. Cue the chorus of "akshually, the're a toy company, always have been gunshot"

Eeeurgh.