As I learned on his birthday, my son had decided three things about smartphones. 1. They’re infantilizing, a set of digital apron strings meant to attach you to your mother. (He was onto something there.) 2. They compromise a boy’s resourcefulness because kids come to rely on the GPS instead of learning Scout skills. 3. They make people trivial. This final observation bugs me the most, because he still expresses it whenever he sees me jabbing at my own device: “Texty texty! Emoji emoji!” And when I play my word games, he shouts, “GAMER!” That hurts. In short, my son says, he doesn’t want a phone because he wants to be free.

She doesn’t like her picture taken and posted to Instagram. When I’ve done it, I say it’s because I’m just proud of them and want to show them off. They both say that they never signed a waiver to let their likenesses be used for my promotional purposes.

I have no words. How these kids managed to sprout from the genes of this fucking moron, I do not know. Must have had a smart dad/sperm donor, to say the least.

No wonder he didn't stick around.