To start this I am going to point out that 1994 is one of the best years for film...ever. Below is a link showing the list of all the top grossers of the year and you'll see dozens and dozens of classic films, so many that you can't believe they all came out the same year.

https://www.the-numbers.com/market/1994/top-grossing-movies

Out of all those absolute bangers my personal favorite film of 1994 and my favorite film of the entire 1990's is number 30 on that list: The River Wild.

This was a summer blockbuster which got pushed back to fall to avoid major releases that year (Forrest Gump and True Lies namely). Because it got pushed back the box office was not actually that wonderful, however it found new life on VHS and become a beloved underground film.

The genius of this film lies in its simple storytelling, well written characters and incredible acting. Meryl Streep, Kevin Bacon, David Strathairn, John C Reilly, Benjamin Bratt...this had a stellar cast. The director was Curtis Hanson, the man responsible for LA Confidential and a few other gems. This is a story of a white, upper-middle class family going through marital problems. The Father, Strathairn, is the kind of Dad you won't find today in films: he's committed to his job and his family, intelligent, brave when he has to be, IMPERFECT but ready and willing to risk his life for his wife and son even if they are growing distant from him. If you want to show boys what a good male role model is, then show them this movie. He's treated maturely, with intelligence and it feels realistic. All the characters feel real, and Meryl Streep and Bacon both do incredible jobs. Reilly is underutilized but giving all the other actors more time on screen makes sense because of how beautifully fleshed out they are.

By the end of the film you are invested in the characters and at no point does anything happen which pulls you out. It is the most grounded, realistic film I've ever seen. Streep may be a shitty Hollywood asshole but she can act. Or she could.

Many people here in their 30's or 40's probably remember this film fondly. It was made to take advantage of the 'fad' of white water rafting, so for the last 30 years I've assumed that it is safe from the current remake obsession in Hollywood. I was wrong, because of a chubby cunt by the name of Ben Ketai.

https://www.imdb.com/name/nm2406892/?ref_=tt_ov_dr

This moron is the writer and director of the 2023 "reimagining" of The River Wild. I was not aware this 'reimagining' was even in the works, of course it was released on Netflix.

There are a number of unforgivable changes made. Obviously the positive white middle class family was removed, that couldn't stay. The helpful Native American cop is gone (shockingly). I couldn't figure out why they would remove a minority role...but then the cast was revealed. Family: gone. The positive male role model: gone. Actually all the characters are changed, literally no character is carried over in any aspect.

In place of this well written white family is now a weird array of orphans and their friends / fake siblings. Here's a picture of them.

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt21291992/mediaviewer/rm1554392321/?ref_=tt_md_3

The casting is atrocious. Taran Killiam? Adam Brody with face tattoos? Leighton Meester? It's a bunch of attractive younger people who are all doing the same archaic hobby that nobody is interested in nowadays? Sure.

On top of that they expanded the cast by quite a bit, adding many new roles and of course having a black chick who serves no purpose for 99% of the film. She's just...in the boat with them constantly, given no real purpose or lines. Her job is to look as black as possible and later to save the day when she magically escapes and apparently teleports to a nearby city to find someone with a helicopter all within 5 minutes. None of that is ever explained but the character is window dressing for 99% of the time.

The lead female character is of course perfect. She's a doctor who holds everyone together and is perfect in every aspect. It's tiresome to keep seeing these characters. There's no point in explaining further you all know the perfect female character that can do no wrong and knows everything.

Even with the obvious 'reimagining' choices I couldn't see how they could fuck this film up. With improved CGI and drones SURELY white water rafting scenes could now look badass, right?

Wrong. They basically pull out 90% of the rafting scenes. It's now a story about some clueless assholes floating down a river being pricks. Adam Brody is an ex con who hilariously makes every stupid decision you can think of...for no reason. Naturally he's also a sexual abuser, which every 'bad guy' white villain is now, and of course he's also Superman.

I'm not exaggerating on this point they have him flying around without even sweating. He can engage in a 15 minute long drag out fight then immediately sprint for 10 minutes and catch up to a boat floating down a fast moving river. All without breathing hard.

The characters changed. The plot changed. The POINT changed. And for what? Who the fuck is going to watch this movie?

Go see the original, this 2023 version is the worst "reimagining" so far. Out of all the films to ruin...why the fuck did they choose this one.