I realise this is a slightly strange thing to ask, on a forum like this, but y'all have a general idea of my... Life experience, and background, by now, and some of you seem to have somewhat decent ideas on these sorts of things, so...
I just dropped out of my courses for this semester. It's after Census date, so I'll have to pay for them (student loans), but it was the last day to withdraw without Academic Failure, so I'll get a couple of big fat "W"'s on my transcript, but it won't tank my GPA any further. So that's something, I guess.
As for why... Look, I was fucking failing, anyway. The Uni had set us students up with the impression that we could do the courses effectively online, for the semester (which would make sense, given lockdowns in several Aus states, including the one bordering the cities my Uni is in), but that most definitely has not proved to be the case.
For the whole semester so far (9 weeks, I believe?), I've been stuck in the wrong fucking state, with shitty internet, a shitty living situation, unable to get back to my classes in person. I've had innumerate other things to deal with, including the fact that my grandfather does not remember who I am, and could well die any day, now, and yet I cannot see him because I am a fucking unvaccinated "plague rat", still...
So yeah. I "dropped out". For now. Until November.
Shit in my life, including this but also far beyond and all around it, is completely and utterly fucked. Sincerely and seriously, I am pretty much at the point of just... Ending it. So yeah.
I'm broke, unemployed, single, unfit, slightly overweight, fairly average looking (but tall, and not hideous), I have a few debts, I'm estranged from most of my friends, I'm extremely lonely, I have very little capital, and few qualifications to speak of (relatively speaking. Let's go with "for my age"). I'm horrifically depressed (anyone know what it's like to find the thought of suicide "calming"..? I've been at that point for nearly a fucking decade), terribly anxious, and probably have ADHD, amongst other things. I'm a fucking wreck. I have cripplingly low self-confidence and self-esteem (more confidence than esteem, though), so I have no trouble telling you that I am a useless piece of shit who probably deserves all the pain, humiliation and failure I have experienced in life. Though I probably don't deserve any more shit, because life has... Already punished me enough, I would have thought.
So, then... What should I do? Where should I start? Hypothetically, if I don't off myself, between now and November, what the fuck should I do?
My country is fucked, remember. Things here are really quite bad. But not where I'm currently stuck (relatively speaking), and not where the Uni is, so much, either (woo for doxxing myself, more and more)...
I genuinely don't think I'm "intellectually" stupid. I'm just an immature, unmotivated, selfish, arrogant jerk, who can't set my mind to things, and gives up far too easily. Because I'm weak. Because I... Don't care enough? I'm not sure.
But anyway, fire away (if you want)! You can go with "just lift, bruh", or "see a therapist, bruh", or "Get your T levels checked, you sound like a weak woman!", if you want, but quite honestly, I would prefer something a bit more in-depth than that.
I'm even open to hearing your religious suggestions, if you really want to go there. Not Buddhism or Islam, though. Fuck that.
Go ahead, the floor's yours. I can't imagine I'll be killing myself for AT LEAST a few more days, so you have at least that long to... Give me some sort of "goal", that I don't already have, or whatever, to try and live for, lol...
The first step is admitting your faults, and it sounds like you've got that down to a T. Maybe spending a bit too much time on that part, though. Honestly, the most important thing is that you do anything to keep busy. You sound like the kind of guy who spends too much time in his own head. Find any kind of hobby that keeps you busy. Drawing, programming, etc. Hell, you're here on KiA2 so I assume you have some interest in video games. Older games are cheap (sail the high seas if you have to) and usually better than today's trash. If you absolutely can't get out of your own head, consider some kind of music. There's some catharsis to be found in playing songs that fit your mood.
Second, just because you've dropped classes doesn't mean the academic year is wasted. Regardless of whether you were failing because the material was too hard or, more likely, because the online format just made things too awkward, now's a perfect time to stress-free self-study. I guarantee you'll actually learn better at your own pace anyway.
Third, "just lift bro" is a meme partially because it's true. Exercise does actually boost spirits. Even back when I had a job I fucking despised, my nightly 5 mile walk/run always made me feel a bit better. That shit's free, though I don't know what the status in your area is as far as lockdowns. Oh, and I never felt better than when I was taking boxing classes. That's the best socially-acceptable stress relief you'll ever get. Boxing isn't even that expensive, spend a little over $100 (that's in USD, don't know what it would be in your fucked up currency) on a heavy bag, hand wraps, and a cheap pair of gloves. I prefer a hanging bag, but a standing one should be fine too. If you don't take classes, though, I do recommend watching a few videos on proper punching form and being especially focused on your form the first few times at the bag. The second week at the bag I threw a bad cross and fucked up my wrist hard, that hand was entirely out of commission for about two weeks. And if you can't afford the bag and gloves, just shadowbox. Still pretty good exercise, a great way to practice form, and no risk of injury.
And as pithy as it may sound, better days are ahead.