I stand in solidarity with you, my alcoholic brothers, against the nefarious, insidious corruption of our pure and sacred liquids by the secret cabal of the Juice.

We must immediately purge all of the Juice from our palates; not only the dysgenic Fruit Punch, and the even fruitier apple and orange juices, but also the even more evil and nefarious Juices of the privileged bourgeois elite, such as cranberry and grapefruit.

We must create a society where only spirits of 100 proof or more are permitted to be drunk, to disinfect ourselves of the impure and degenerate high-fructose corn syrup. Drinking water will only serve to dilute the purity of the alcohol in our veins, and water must also be purged.

We must ensure an existence for our distilleries and a future for our booze.