You probably shouldn't. No seriously. One thing to note about Christianity is that it is a historical religion, that is to say, we claim that events of the Gospels actually happened and that these events are essential to our religion. Christians don't think Jesus was a prophet or teacher; we think he was the incarnate Godhead, and what he did 2000 years ago was pretty important. With this in mind, Christianity predates "the Bible." No Seriously. Even a bland reading of the New Testament reveals that the Church predates the writing of the New Testament. None of the he Gospels or The Acts were extemporaneous recordings, and the Epistles were written to people already practicing Christianity.

Unlike the Mohammedans or the Jews, Christians don't hold to the idea that our sacred texts can't be translated. So how then do or do not we understand "the scriptures"? The answer is (unlike the Jews) that one's personal exegesis is NOT a good way to go about understanding our scriptures. Even protestants didn't really buy into the idea of personal exegesis until it became popular amongst Americans in the late 19th century. Arius was quoting scripture out the wazoo at the Council of Nicaea; he was still heretic that claimed Christ was not God.

Are there fuckin shit translations these days? Yes, and I think you know that. The answer to your question is: pick a church you trust, and ask them what the Bible means, ideally Orthodox or Catholic.