46
posted ago by bamboozler1 ago by bamboozler1 +49 / -3

This is another fairly personal one.

Anyone following anything I've posted on here in the past will likely have worked out by now that I'm in Australia - in a fairly left-wing part of it, no less.

You'll also probably have noticed that I'm fairly... Fucked up. Depression, anxiety, probably ADHD and OCD, plus abuse and a fairly horrific childhood and adolescence - these things have fucked me up no end, and, contrary to the "happy shit" you see in, say, Pedowood - I can assure you from experience that a lot of people like me DON'T fucking recover, and we never come back from the pits. Some do. Most don't. Which do you really think is the likely end result, for a fuck-up like me..?

Anyway, I think you all know by now that things in Australia are completely fucked. They're getting worse. Continuously. Every fucking day, we lose another "human right", and the totalitarian screws get tighter. I've just learned, today, that thanks to a pronouncement from our state "premier", the equivalent of a US Governor, if I LEAVE this state, say, to go back to my university, I won't be allowed back in, until I'm doubly vaccinated AND test negative to coof. This means that if my grandfather's health declines, which is... Likely, I may not even be able to get back to see him in time, because of the fucking government. I cannot TELL YOU how blackpilling that is, amongst everything else.

Shit here is fucked, and I am so fucking sick of it! Never mind the fact that, without going into too many details, my family pets keep dying, and I keep fucking having to bury them. I spent the last three days burying one. I only adopted him earlier this year. Last I saw, he was healthy and fine. This happens... Every couple of years. And then family members just up and die, too, or someone I know kills themselves. It's... I don't know why the fuck I'm so unlucky, but fuck, death just seems to follow me. If you haven't experienced this yourself, let me tell you - digging a grave for your animals on a regular basis is... Pretty devastating.

Moving on: For the last... While, anger has been what has sustained me. Anger, resentment and hatred. I'm a bitter, jaded person (you would be, too, if you had seen what I have, and experienced what I have), and I fucking detest what my society has become. Clearly, at least "anonymously", I'm very active online, in trying to fight back, and to use that anger... "Constructively". I also use it to motivate exercise, which... Works, but the exercise doesn't... Make the anger go away, at all.

After a while, though, you begin to realise this is a losing battle. Australia is completely fucked. I'm genuinely not sure there is any coming back from this, and I do not think, if I lived much longer, that I would want to do so in this country. It is becoming unrecognisable, and I genuinely fear for the future, here. My own future is gone. That does not matter. But for the country itself... The best outcome is probably Argentina or Chile at their lowest points. Or what, Portugal under Salazar? I seriously don't see an outcome under which Australia stays a democracy, with basic rights for citizens, which is... Scary. And while I have fought back and fought back, pretty hard... I've now realised how futile it is.

My efforts aren't really changing anything. Shit here is sliding, and nothing I do will really change that. But it's more than that. Anger can only sustain you for so long. While my rage can be pretty... Intimidating, I think sadness and loneliness are generally stronger, longer-lasting emotions than anger, and nothing I have done takes that away. So...

I dunno if this is it. I hope the rest of you are able to better "maintain the rage", and fight back in the culture wars in your respective countries. But even if the fight for Australia isn't over; even if there is some hope left for this place - I'm not sure I'll be around to keep on fighting.

I'm pretty done. I've tried. I've fought. I've failed. I just want... Peace, now, and I really... I'm not sure I know of many other ways to find it, unfortunately.

Cheers.

Comments (47)
sorted by:
You're viewing a single comment thread. View all comments, or full comment thread.
19
LinkR 19 points ago +19 / -0

My father killed himself in 2017 on Thanksgiving day and when I flew to his apartment to take care of his... actions, I found it broken into and ransacked. His was officially dubbed a suicide, but for all I know he was murdered. I will never really know and anything valuable he may have wanted us to have, like his coin collection were gone.

Then last year I had to put my three legged dog down because he just lost his mind. ran himself to exhaustion and made his own limbs useless. It crushed me.

Last March I moved into my grandparents home to take care of my grandma who decided to quit her chemo for her pancreatic cancer, her old blind dog, and her going senile husband. I was there to take care of her until she passed. The problem was that she had gone under a procedure to extend her life, so that prolonged the process. I had to watch her agonizing decline for about half of a year. On top of that, at some point before her passing I had to make the decision of my own volition to put her dog down, because it was just fucking miserable. It clearly wanted to die, but they were never going to do anything for its quality of life. So that was two back to back deaths, where only one I was prepared for....

ONE FUCKIN WEEK LATER after my grandmother passed, by grandfather suffered a paralyzing stroke. I then had to stick around to care for him, because he now was not going to long long. He passed 2 days ago.

So, I went from a house of 4 living souls (me included) to just me. Alone.

Death is just a part of life, and it's going to seem like a monumental dog pile when you fixate on each and every one. But you just have to accept that it's going to always appear like it's back to back because of how prevalent it is in life. Even if the previous death was 2 years ago. It's still going to feel like it happened just yesterday. Now my biggest problem is dealing with my grandfathers fucking gun obsession. There are fucking nearly 30 in total he had squirreled away in his garage. Also made his own bullets. He was an interesting dude, but there's a literal powder keg I have to deal with now.

edit: Oh, and my brother in law killed himself 8 months ago too, leaving my sister widowed and 4 kids fatherless, though to be honest... he was an unpredictable mess. There was a very real possibility he wanted to hurt them too, but was so drunk he shot himself first instead. Had real anger issues....

9
bamboozler1 [S] 9 points ago +9 / -0

Dunno what to say, bro. Sounds... Awful. And I'm not going to question any of what you said (apart from: can you put a dog down for being "miserable"..? Were they old or sick? Seems... Couldn't you have adopted it out?). I'm sorry you've had to experience all of that.

On your edit, though: no one is reliant on me. No one. And I have no intention of leaving any debts behind that I can avoid. I wouldn't ever hurt anyone else (that assumption, that people sometimes make, frustrates me immensely, and has... Made my own journey so much harder). If I go, I go. I'm not... The kind of person to take others with me. Though do I wish the people who hurt me "the best", in life? Fuck no. But I hope their own terrible life decisions, and guilt, are enough to haunt them. I doubt very many will actually care what their actions did to me, though. Family, maybe. The rest? Nah, they'll just find it funny, more than anything, I imagine...

4
LinkR 4 points ago +5 / -1

(apart from: can you put a dog down for being "miserable"..? Were they old or sick? Seems... Couldn't you have adopted it out?)

I know how it sounds. Trust me, what I did was an absolute last resort. I do not ever take such an action lightly.... Dogs that get old and sick tend to behave differently. Like, they will seek ways to wander off or find small enclosed spaces to just hang out in forever. Her dog overnight just seemed to have this switch flipped. She would wander around the house, bumping into things and just generally wander. Finding people to sort of orbit. In her final days she stopped all that. She was seeking nooks to just wedge into. It's hard to describe without seeing it. She had undergone many eye surgeries in the past and was already over 12. Small dog by the way. She was always in pain from it and was definitely going deaf, or possibly was already deaf at that point. She responded to no stimuli besides touch. Being deaf, blind, old, pain from older complications... yeah, she was not living a very comfy life. Top that not with her strange new behavior. I'm very confident she was done with it all. It still bothers me that I did it though.

2
ZeroPercentCamoIndex 2 points ago +2 / -0

Like you I consider pet euthanasia a last resort. But as you say, it can be a mercy. I've put down a paralysed cat that started purring as the vet put the needle in. From the sounds of it it was a mercy in your dog's case too, although you pretty much already know that.